


Of Friend and Foe

by DruCarter_N7



Category: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, Existential Angst, F/M, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Other, Reincarnation, Roekaar, Slow Build, So much angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-24
Updated: 2018-05-31
Packaged: 2018-11-03 16:03:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 23,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10970637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DruCarter_N7/pseuds/DruCarter_N7
Summary: Even after the alie-Pathfinder Ryder- had shown him his past life as Zorai, and the battle for Meridian had solidified the Angaran's alliance with the Initiative, Taavos is still unsure of how to feel about everything. He had spent some time at Mithrava. First Sage Esmus did his best to change his hatred of aliens into something productive. But Taavos continues to struggle with his faith, his memories, and the reality of his former position as a Roekaar Commander.It is when he's visiting his family that he meets Arley, the first non-Angaran to take an interest in him. Taavos doesn't know how to respond. And he certainly doesn't know how to feel about the fact that he starts to enjoy her company.A story about hope and love, told through each letter of the alphabet.





	1. Aya

He had been surprised. Taavos had never expected to see Aya again. Even after he had left the Roekaar, he had assumed he would be turned away at the gates, should he ever make the trip. Publicly, Evfra and the Resistance denounced the radical actions of the Roekaar. And that included its commanders as well.

But when Taavos had mentioned wanting to see his family once more, First Sage Esmus had agreed to speak to Evfra and Paaran Shie on Taavos's behalf. And to his complete shock, the human Pathfinder had as well.

> _"Too many angaran families have been torn apart by this war," she said, giving him a sad smile. "I would help ease that burden if I can."_
> 
> _Evfra grumbled, "Is this wise? We have members of the Initiative living on Aya now."_
> 
> _Taavos felt his brow furrowing at that. He would never dare attack anyone, alien or not, in their sacred home. Aya was a sanctuary to the angaran people. His people. "I am no longer a member of the Roekaar."_
> 
> _Paaran Shie's eyes narrowed considerably at that, "Just because you are no longer formally a member does not mean that you would not strike out violently at an alien. I must say Pathfinder, I'm inclined to agree with Evfra."_
> 
> _The First Sage interjected, keeping his voice soft and calm as he spoke, "Taavos would hurt an alien no more than you or I."_
> 
> _Taavos had come to understand that humans were not as expressive as his people. They did not wear their emotions on the outside like the angara. Often times, they did their best to keep themselves in check, only ever showing flashes of reactions. He found himself frustrated at that. It was like watching a group of tranquilized adhi. Restrained, passionless, and stoic._
> 
> _So when the Pathfinder crossed her arms over her chest and frowned slightly, his lips pulled tight in vexation. What was the point in speaking on his behalf if she was going to do so detached? That reservation would not convince the Resistance leader or Aya's governor to let him see his family once more._
> 
> _"We have all suffered enough. He's not with the Roekaar anymore," she pointed out, gesturing towards him slightly. Taavos watched as the dubious stares meeting her gaze caused her to huff in exasperation. Annoyance was at least better than nothing, he had supposed._
> 
> _Her frustration was short lived however, because she took a breath, as if composing herself, and started again, "We have the chance now to reunite families. So, why are we not doing it?"_
> 
> _The scar on Evfra's face twitched then, following its path downward into his continuous frown. "Because we should still be cautious. If he should kill a member of the Initiative, a human, even? Would you be on his side then?" He shook his head, his brow furrowing, "I do not think you would be so forgiving."_
> 
> _The human's shoulders drooped low, her eyes closing. Taavos gave up right then and there. Nothing he could say would help his case, so he stayed silent. His people had decided his fate. Not even the word of an alien, one whom they'd embrace over him, would convince them otherwise._
> 
> _He began to turn away, intent on heading back towards the shuttle that had brought him and Esmus here, when she spoke once more._
> 
> _"I have already forgiven him," she said softly._
> 
> _Taavos's mind stumbled over his confusion at the sadness he heard in her voice. Glancing at her, he watched as her eyes shined brightly. He could see the determination as she lifted her head._
> 
> _She blinked it away as quickly as it had come but her next sentence came out more hoarse than usual, "The war is over. It's not just about surviving anymore. We have the chance to finally live, to have peace." She shook her head, lifting her arms in frustration. "If we continue to keep families and friends separated from one another, we are only continuing what the Kett started."_
> 
> _Evfra's long-suffering sighs could put the hot springs to shame with how much air came out of them. He rubbed his hands over his eyes and there was a long pause. "You aren't going to let this go, are you?" the Resistance leader asked wearily, as if he were a father scolding his child._
> 
> _"No," she confirmed, lifting her chin, slightly defiant._
> 
> _If it had been any other situation, or anyone else even, Taavos would have laughed at the woman. He was certain Evfra had never been told 'no' before. But the human was young, years younger than him, and brash. She had an uncertain air to her, but she always seemed to push the bounds of her own comfort. He'd heard of her willingness to help people. Even among the barracks of his old Roekaar camp, there had been reports of some crazy alien running around doing things for other angara. At the time, he had called his own people weak and traitors for not shooting the aliens from the Initiative on sight. He had seen what she could do. He had been on the receiving end of her violence._
> 
> _But now he was on the receiving end of her help. How things had changed for him._
> 
> _"First Sage Esmus came here to speak for Taavos. And so did I," she explained, nodding her head once. "I vouch for him, and ask that he be given access to the city once more. If only to see his family," the human said. A momentary silence filled the air before she added a perfunctory, "Please."_
> 
> _Another sigh came from Evfra as he and the governor shared a knowing glance. Taavos watched as Paaran Shie simply stood and waited. She was letting the Resistance leader make the call. Evfra turned back towards the Pathfinder, "Alright. But if I hear of anything negative happening with another alien, he'll be thrown out once more." His eyes made contact with Taavos and he glared, "Do I make myself clear?"_
> 
> _A snark comment was itching to escape his lips but he held back, knowing it would make matters worse. Instead, he said, "I understand."_
> 
> _"Good," Evfra replied curtly._  

He and Paaran Shie had both taken their leave then, and First Sage Esmus had come over to clasp arms with Taavos. "You are always welcome at Mithrava," he had said simply, before turning away and heading back towards his shuttle. Wise, of course, but Esmus could be... a man of few words sometimes.

Now, Taavos walked down through the alleyways of Aya.

A warm breeze blew softly through the city. The spicy scent of the shajara trees filled the air, mixing with the flowers that were beginning to bloom. Aya's white walls had remained pristine over the years, and the setting sun bounced off of them, causing a faint orange glow to light the streets. Taavos reached the market to discover it practically empty, the vendors already having gone home for the day. Very few people milled about and he took the moment to stand at the balcony and admire everything. The mountains in the distance, the lava fields below, the waterfalls flowing freely through the land.

Stars, he had missed this.

As much as he loved his home world, Havarl, it had begun to choke him. The vines of his own past entwined themselves around his heart, squeezing tight. In truth, Taavos had never been more confused in his whole life.

He used to be so sure, so confident. The Roekaar had been an easy choice at the time because he had seen everything as black and white. But nothing was that simple.

Soft footfalls approached him, bringing him out of his reverie. Taavos turned to see the young Pathfinder making her way through the empty market stalls. She stepped up next to him, placing her arms on the railing and looking out over the horizon. When she didn't say anything right away, he glanced away, joining her in gazing at Aya's landscape.

They sat like that for a moment, silently taking it all in. A pair of birds flitted past, twirling through the air gracefully. Even the waterfalls sounded hushed this evening as they swam over the edge of the cliffs.

"I could never get tired of this," the human said, her voice quiet and low.

Taavos nodded, but said nothing.

Another moment of silence passed before she spoke once more. "Am I going to regret this?" she murmured, almost as if to herself. If the bustling noise that normally flowed through the market had been present, he would have missed it entirely.

Taavos frowned and glanced at her, "Who am I to tell you what you will and will not regret?"

The Pathfinder turned to scold him, giving him a dry glare. "You know what I mean, Taavos."

He straightened and looked away. "If you are asking me if I will murder a member of the Initiative during my stay here, the answer is no."

Out of the corner of his eye, he could see her turn fully towards him, leaning on an elbow as she regarded him. "I don't think you'd go that far. But I wonder if you'll be able to truly get along with anyone who's an alien to you."

Taavos nodded. "As do I," he admitted begrudgingly. He turned to meet her gaze. "I... guess I should start here by saying thank you. For speaking on my behalf. I was not expecting that," he said.

The human gave a soft smile and replied, "Esmus told me that he was coming here to speak for you, I asked if I could join. I'm just glad Evfra agreed to let you in."

He chuckled. "Your exchange with him was admirable. I don't think I have ever heard anyone talk to him that way."

She snorted, a wry grin spreading across her face. "Evfra's not so bad. He reminds me a lot of my dad actually. Smart, born leader, bit of a dick sometimes but you get used to it." Her smile faltered and he watched as a flash of sorrow cross her face. She composed herself quickly though, catching that he had seen it. Her features hardened then, walling him out from her emotions once more. _Frustrating._

"Not everything I said in there was true," she admitted, her eyes meeting his.

Taavos shifted uncomfortably. "What was untrue? Your forgiveness?"

"No," she said, shaking her head solemnly, "I do forgive you. If I could not forgive you for letting hate into your heart, how could I ever expect you to forgive me for killing men under your command? Or for that fact, how could I forgive myself?" She shook her head once more, clearly not wanting him to answer her questions. He wasn't sure he wanted to answer them either, for that matter.

Her eyes crinkled worriedly and the corners of her mouth turned down into a small frown. "I told Evfra and Paaran Shie that the war is over but... I'm not certain I believe that."

His brow rose at her confession, "With the Kett? You have evidence of this?"

She shook her head, chewing her lip. "No... it's just a feeling." He watched her eyes shift and focus on something over his shoulder, "Which is all the more reason to be with family."

Taavos turned to see Jaal standing several yards away, watching them. The last time he had seen the Resistance fighter, he had called him a traitor. A murderer. Later, he had heard of the Pathfinder's run in with Akksul. He had heard of the bullet meant to kill Jaal. The scar on his cheek was evidence of the harm the Roekaar could do to their own people. He knew why Evfra and Paaran Shie had expressed caution.

Jaal was not looking at him however. He was looking at the Pathfinder, his eyes full of adoration. Taavos's attention turned back to the human to see the emotion mirrored on her own face. _Ah, so it is true then._

The Pathfinder caught Taavos's glance and huffed, her cheeks flushing red. Her lips pursed and she placed her hands on her hips, "I hope that your visit with your family goes well, Taavos. If there is anything I can do, just let me know, okay?"

He nodded, watching as she made to leave. She made it a few yards before he called out to her.

"Ryder?" he said, stumbling over her name like a child. He'd never used it before.

She turned, looking over her shoulder at him.

Taavos cleared his throat and continued, "Thank you."

The Pathfinder smiled then and tilted her chin in a bow to him. He watched as she met with Jaal, taking his hand in hers and giving him a kiss on the cheek.

He turned away from their moment. It was not for his eyes. But he listened as they walked away from him towards their ship, their steps falling in tune with one another. Jaal's deep voice said something Taavos didn't quite catch but it made Ryder laugh wholeheartedly. The rich sound bounced off the tiles of Aya's streets, reaching his ears.

Taavos took a breath and continued to stand at the balcony, watching as the sun dipped below the mountains. Tomorrow he would see his family, but in this very moment...

Stars, he'd never felt so alone before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I just wanted to show you guys how my chapters will sometimes be set up. When Taavos is experiencing a memory, it will be in the shifted part of the text like it was in the beginning. Thanks for reading, I really hope you guys enjoy the story! <3


	2. Balance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTES NOTES NOTES NOTES IMPORTANT NOTES!!!
> 
> Sorry, had to get your attention for two reasons! First: a definition!
> 
> vesagara - "uprooted people", or "exiles", a derogatory term used by the Roekaar for individuals from the Milky Way.
> 
> And second! There is a mention of Kiiran Dals in this chapter, she's the angara at the main base on Havarl who gives you most of your quests. She's the one who ends up extending an invitation to Ryder to bring scientists to Havarl, as thanks for getting the monoliths/vault back online again.
> 
> Read on!!!

It was early.

The sun had barely risen and Taavos was already awake. Like most nights, he had hardly slept, and was plagued by strange dreams. It was finally a nightmare about dying in the dark of Havarl’s third monolith that had woken him with a start. Instead of subjecting himself to the images his brain forced upon him in his sleep, he got up.

Taavos dressed and set out to get breakfast. The temporary quarters they’d housed him in opened out into the docks of Aya. Despite the earliness, many people were awake, ready to start the day. The bay that held the Tempest during its stay was empty, to Taavos’s vague surprise.

Had the Pathfinder really shown up on Aya for a day _just_ to speak to Evfra and Paaran Shie for him? The thought was… confusing.

Stepping forward, he began to make his way down the stairs, already feeling the buzz of the city’s energy all around him. It was different from his home world. Havarl felt sick and twisted. It certainly was getting better due to the Pathfinder and the Remnant vault, but often times it was still unforgiving. One slip up and the ground could quite literally open up and swallow you whole. Aya was alive and jubilant, much like his people. _Most_ of his people anyway.

> _”Should we do something about the scientists?” Taavos questioned, giving Akksul a concerned look. “They're out of their stasis now but they're back with Kiiran Dals and the rest of those traitors...”_
> 
> _The two of them stood in a clearing, looking over the landscape. Havarl’s air was thick and humid this evening. Which only added to the frustration they were both still feeling at some of the spiky aliens having slipped their grasp. Again._
> 
> _The Roekaar leader sneered, “Those thin-brains at Daar Pelaav will just call upon the aliens to come to their aid… No.” He shook his head, “No, we need to wait. The scientists will tell the vesagara where they can find the squawking, bird aliens that landed here. With luck, they will lead us right to them.” Akksul’s blank eyes met Taavos’s gaze. “And then, we shall take them out. One. By. One.”_
> 
> _Something in the back of Taavos’s mind darkened. It clenched at his heart but was drowned out in the agreement he felt at his friend's words. Akksul was right._
> 
> _The aliens could not live._

Taavos staggered somewhat at the memory. He stopped, grasping onto the railing with tight knuckles. The flashbacks were frequent these days. Sometimes they were of his own life, sometimes of a life he did not recognize. But they were always strong, vivid. As if he were reliving them. They left him feeling dazed and tired.

So tired.

He took a somewhat ragged breath, attempting to find himself once more. He wasn't on Havarl. He wasn't with Akksul. He wasn't a Roekaar. He was just Taavos, on Aya, visiting family.

His senses began returning to him, the humidity of Havarl leaving his lungs and the buzz of Aya singing once more. Taavos’s grip on the stair railing loosened as he took a tentative step forward. His knees shook and he sneered at them, willing them to cooperate. They worked against him however and continued to tremble beneath him.

He stopped and closed his eyes for a brief moment. Taking in a slow, deep breath, he centered himself. He let his energy ebb and flow, correcting itself with every inhale and exhale.

First Sage Esmus had done what he could to help Taavos, including teaching him how to meditate. How to realign his aura and bioelectricity. After a particularly bad dream or memory, it could be time consuming, but he had come to rely on it. The images that filled his head could disorient him, separating his mind from his body sometimes. If he didn't take the time to fix his bioelectricity, it would drain his energy, cause his muscles to shake, leave him aching and exhausted.

When he opened his eyes once more, he felt steady. Steadier than before at least. Esmus had told Taavos he should meditate every day, not just when he had flashbacks. Predictably, Taavos had shook him off, stating that it wasn't necessary. _Begrudgingly_ , he knew he was being slightly stubborn but he was determined to make his mind his own again. Through will, and strength.

Taavos breathed out the last vestiges of his memories in a final exhale before stepping back out onto the street. Finding himself on sure feet again, he sighed in relief, and went in search of breakfast once more. He made his way down the stairs slowly, headed towards the vendor he knew sat at the edge of the docks. The man had nearly everything for sale, now that trade came more easily from Voeld and Havarl. What was his name? Sursha? Saaka?

A melodic laugh broke him out of his thoughts. A human woman stood near the vendor, looking over a datapad. He watched her shake her head, "When you said 'cold', I figured you meant I'd need a coat, not that I'd be freezing my goddamn arse off!" The stuff on her head that was unique to the human aliens was a fiery orange he'd never seen before, and her accent was much different than the Pathfinders. It sounded thick, like something from Havarl, but with a light-heartedness you’d find native to Voeld.

The angaran vendor laughed. "I told you! Maybe next time you'll listen to me. I'm actually quite wise, you know," he teased, his eyes narrowing with mirth.

"Aye, Sohkaa," she responded. _Ah, that was his name._ "Who would have thought that under that sarcastic and needling exterior was someone with wisdom and graciousness?"

Sohkaa gave her a lopsided grin and chuckled, "Don't you have work to do? Or are you just going to stand here and flirt with me all day?"

That elicited a full blown laugh from the human as she handed the datapad back over to him. She turned away, looking over her shoulder back at the vendor, "Not in your wildest dreams, lad."

Taavos side stepped out of her path as her feet led her straight towards him. Her head turned back around and she met his gaze unflinchingly. A wide smile crossed her features as her eyes met his own. “Good mornin’,” she said as she passed him.

He blinked.

Taavos felt the corners of his mouth turn down as he confusingly nodded back in response. It was as if his body was in disagreement with his actions, frowning as he acknowledged an alien. He didn’t have much time to dwell on it however because she walked past him and continued on her way into Aya. Other than the Pathfinder, he’d never spoken to another alien. He would have to figure out a way to avoid as many of them as he could. If Evfra caught even a hint that Taavos was disrespecting an alien, he’d be cast out from Aya. Probably forever if the old bastard had his way.

Sohkaa, the trader, was still scanning over the information the human had handed him when Taavos approached. The angara didn’t even look up when he spoke, “Just got back from Voeld, that one. I told her it was cold but apparently humans don’t ha-.” He stopped when he finally looked up and saw who was standing in front of him.

Taavos watched recognition settle into Sohkaa’s features as he crossed his arms over his chest, abandoning his perusal of whatever was on the datapad. “Well. They told me they had let a Roekaar onto Aya but I must admit, I thought it was a jest.”

He could feel his frown deepen. “I am no longer a member of the Roekaar,” he said for the second time since he had reached Aya.

“Right,” the trader drawled, narrowing his eyes slightly. “Well, as it stands, try not to kill any of the aliens while you’re here. Or any of the angara, for that matter.”

Taavos bristled but kept his voice low, “I would never hurt anyone on Aya, alien or not.”

“I suppose you’re right,” Sohkaa confessed. “The last Roekaar to visit was Akksul, and he at least had the decency to wait until he was off planet before continuing his assault on the aliens and their settlements.” A dry smile crossed the trader’s features then. “I assume you’ll be giving us that same courtesy then?” he probed.

For a fleeting moment, Taavos considered throwing the man over the edge of the docks. But it was only when his frustration began to radiate off of him, to spike at the edge of his bioelectricity, that Sohkaa’s grin grew. The trader chuckled as he stared back at him, waiting for his reaction. And it was at that moment that Taavos understood what was going on.

It was a test.

The realization hit him like the tail of a rylkor. Evfra had eyes everywhere, and he’d been displeased that the Pathfinder had insisted on letting Taavos into the city. The Resistance leader hunted weaknesses for a living. He had sought after every advantage during the war, taking every step to ensure victory. This was just another of those moments, and Taavos realized he was at the center of it.

He was being watched. Stalked like a wild animal. And the second he slipped up, it would be over before he knew it.

He took in a deep breath as he stared at Sohkaa. The trader’s smile only widened and he spoke before Taavos could reply. “Here,” he said, turning his back. He rifled through a crate and came up with two tubes of nutrient paste. “They’re from Havarl, take them. A little taste of home.”

Taavos looked down at them and frowned. “I cannot just take these. I must pay you for them.”

Sohkaa shook his head. “I am giving them to you. Consider it a welcome gift.”

Was this a test as well? Taavos must have looked unsure because the trader shoved the tubes into his hands before he could protest more.

He stared for a moment too long before a mumbled ‘thank you’ stumbled through his lips.

Sohkaa nodded. “Now get out of the way Roekaar, I have other customers.”

He glanced behind himself to see two female angara waiting. Silently cursing himself for not being more aware of his surroundings, he ducked his head and hurried away. He hadn’t even heard them behind him. Maybe being at Mithrava with Esmus had made him soft.

Stars, how disconcerting.

Taavos made his way through Aya, watching as angara and aliens alike milled through the marketplace. He continued, however, knowing there were too many people there that could see if he were to misstep. Instead, he made his way to the Tavetaan. It was fairly empty when he arrived and Taavos felt a surge of relief. He could collect his thoughts in peace perhaps.

He sat down at a vacant table away from the few people that were there. He ate in silence as he mulled over his practically ruined morning. First the nightmares, then the flashback, and finally the trader. Sohkaa had tugged at the anger still weighing on Taavos’s heart and he had almost succumbed to it. Taavos sneered. When had he become so weak that he allowed a stranger to manipulate his emotions that way?

_When the Pathfinder saved Havarl._

His sneer died out and a heavy sigh left his lips. He’d been awake no more than an hour and already his mind had exhausted him. The war that raged inside of him was a constant battle for him. And Taavos was losing.

He had opened his second nutrient paste when a soft gasp reached his ears.

“Taavos? Is that you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, I just want to say thank you to anyone who kudos/commented. I see all of that stuff and you have no idea how appreciative I truly am for the feedback. It means a lot, so thank you.
> 
> Second! Sohkaa is the trader who gives you the quest to find his friend/trader on Voeld. And when you come back, he mentions that it was a test from Evfra to see how far the Pathfinder would go to help the angara. So I TOTALLY feel like the scene where he tests Taavos is plausible. Evfra would be like "hey, keep an eye on that mf" and Sohkaa would shrug and say "alright".
> 
> I will bring in minor characters throughout this story, although I'll try to at least remind you who they are or put it into a situation where you recognize who that person is, even if you don't remember their names from the game. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and for sticking with me! <3


	3. Complications

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Definitions :
> 
> yalaon = older sibling  
> olaon = younger sibling

"Maruul," Taavos said, sighing in relief as he brought his surprised younger brother into a hug. There was a short pause on his brother’s part and then he felt his arms tighten hard around him. He stood like that, his arms around Maruul, basking in the fact that he was with family for the first time in what felt like forever.

The early morning sun had risen and was beginning to heat Aya’s air around them. It couldn't compare to the warmth that settled in Taavos's bones at seeing his sibling. It had been a long time since he'd embraced someone, let alone his own family. It tugged at his heart when his brother let out a shaky breath.

"It's been so long, I never thought we would see you again," Maruul sputtered, his voice muffled against Taavos's shirt.

"I know," he replied simply.

Maruul pulled back from his grasp, his blue eyes going wide. "Your tattoos-... Stars, you look just like him."

Taavos grimaced at the comment and his brother noticed immediately. Maruul placed a hand on his shoulder and an apologetic frown crossed his face. "I'm sorry," he started, "I just wasn't expecting you to have them. You two argued about it so often... We haven't seen you since you joined."

Taavos felt ashamed at that and shook his head, "I know. Don't-... You do not need to apologize. It is I who should be saying sorry. I shouldn't have been away for so long..."

His younger brother hushed him and gave a soft smile. "You are here now. That's what's important."

Taavos felt his shoulders slump but he tried to return his brother’s smile before Maruul continued, "I had no idea you were coming to Aya! Does anyone else know you're here?"

He rubbed a hand over his brow sheepishly, "I... told Ahja."

His brother scoffed good-naturedly at the mention of their older sister. "Of course you did," he said with a smile. "You never could keep a secret from her."

Taavos huffed softly and agreed, "No, I couldn't."

There was a moment of silence before Maruul responded. "Does father know? That you're here?" he asked, his voice quiet.

He paused, "I... No. I don't think so."

His younger sibling nodded understandingly. "It's okay, I'm sure he will be happy that you've come."

Taavos wasn't so sure about that.

“Stars, it’s so good to see you again yalaon,” Maruul said, bringing Taavos into a tight hug one more time before gesturing towards his table. “Let’s sit,” he said, a slight smile crossing his face, “I will call Ahja and Jela and have them meet us here, what do you think?”

Taavos nodded and cleared his throat, “It will be good to be with all of you once more.”

“You sound thrilled,” Maruul chuckled softly, calling their older brother and sister despite Taavos’s awkward reply.

He took the moment to simply gaze at his younger sibling. Maruul had bulked up considerably since Taavos had last seen him. He was no longer the small teenager that he’d left behind so many years ago. Gone were the chubby cheeks of his brother’s youth, replaced by the sharp jawline they’d all gotten from their father.

The hushed teasing was still there. Maruul had always been quiet and reserved; an odd quality for an angara, though never one that had bothered Taavos. But there was something underneath all of that, fluttering anxiously at the edge of his bioelectricity. An emotion that looked foreign on his brother but something he recognized in himself daily. It was barely there, and it was well hidden, but Taavos still saw it.

Grief.

Maruul’s voice broke Taavos from his thoughts, “They are on their way!” He sounded slightly smug and a wry smile had crossed his features.

“What are you smiling about?” Taavos asked, narrowing his eyes.

His brother laughed heartily. He raised his hands, “Not because of anything nefarious, I assure you. Truly, I’m just happy to see you again.”

Taavos sighed, but gave a soft smile. He clapped his arm onto his youngest sibling’s shoulder, squeezing it, “And I you.”

“Is it strange?” Maruul asked, “Being back on Aya?”

He sighed again. “Yes and no. It’s been so long but it’s like everything is exactly as I left it, and yet it’s all so different as well. The air, the trees, the walls. It’s all the same. Nothing’s changed…” he explained, trailing off.

There was a short pause before Maruul spoke again. “Except you,” he guessed, picking up Taavos’s sentence.

Perceptive. His brother, the youngest of all his siblings, had _always_ been perceptive.

Taavos let a long breath leave his lungs, feeling tired. “Yes,” he said.

Maruul nodded. “You’ll be alright, yalaon. You’ll get through it. You always have,” he said reassuringly.

He grunted noncommittally but nodded at his brother’s words. “And you, Maruul? What have-“

“-Taavos!” A booming voice bellowed from across the Tavetaan, interrupting him.

He jumped, having been so engrossed in their conversation and his own thoughts. Turning, he was feeling the irritability from the morning bleed out of his skin once more before he realized who it was. Behind him, with his large, overtly-muscular arms stretched wide, was his oldest brother, Jela. His grin was wide and obnoxious and he towered over everyone in the Tavetaan, standing _at least_ a head taller than even the larger angara.

Stars, he’d always been big, but seeing him now…

 _Just another thing you’ve forgotten while you were away_ , he sneered at himself. Taavos pushed it to the back of his mind though, praying it did not show through to his siblings as he stood up. He returned his eldest brother’s smile.

“Jela,” he said, letting amusement seep into his voice.

Jela laughed heartily, “Taavos! My brother!” He strode towards him and brought him into a bone crushing hug. Taavos felt like he was floundering as his feet lifted off the ground but he simply squeezed back, attempting to give as good as he got. Jela sat him back down and took a step back, placing both hands on his shoulder. “It has been a long time!”

“Indeed, it has,” Taavos nodded, giving a small smile.

Jela’s brow ridge rose, his smile dropping slightly as he glanced over at Maruul, and then back at him. “Are you not happy to see me, olaon?”

Never let it be said that any of his siblings were thin-brained to each other’s moods. Even after all this time…

“I am-“ Taavos started.

“-Truly? You seem agitated-“

“He’s probably agitated with your foolishness,” a sharp, female voice reprimanded. Jela’s hands dropped to his sides and they both turned.

“Ahja,” Taavos sighed in relief.

His sister gave him a winning smile, her eyes glittering in the morning sun before she turned her gaze to his brother and scowled as she approached. “Honestly, Jela. Why must you always meddle?”

“I was not,” Jela replied, feigning offense.

“Oh, Stars,” Ahja drawled. She rolled her eyes and the action caught Taavos by surprise, thinking vaguely that it reminded him of the Pathfinder for some reason. “You were, too.” When she reached them, she smiled once more at Taavos, her expression softening. “Of course, he’s happy to see us.”

She pulled him into a hug then and Taavos huffed a quiet laugh at her gentleness. When he pulled away, he took a moment to glance at each of them. “I _am_ happy to see you. _All_ of you. I swear it,” he said honestly, making eye contact with his three siblings. It was simply the truth. His voice was hoarse when he spoke again, “It’s just…- It’s been a long time since I’ve been with family.”

“We know, yalaon,” Maruul replied, nodding. “It’s alright.”

A large hand hefted itself onto his shoulder once more. “I apologize, Taavos,” Jela said. “I did not mean to upset you.”

Taavos shook his head, “It’s okay. I’m sorry if I seem distant or out of place. I’m… trying to get back to myself.” He swallowed hard before continuing, “I did not think I would ever see any of you again.”

They all began to sit as Ahja attempted to lighten the mood, an amused smile on her face as she teased him, “Yes, I hear we have Pathfinder Ryder to thank for your return.”

Taavos grimaced and turned when Maruul gasped. “You’re friends with the human Pathfinder?” he asked incredulously, eyes wide and voice full of something close to… awe. It was such a boyish question, reminding him of the brother he had left behind so long ago.

He had missed it.

He cleared his throat. “I would not say that, no.”

“And what would you say?” Jela asked, smirking as he placed his giant skkutting chin into his enormous skkutting palm.

Taavos huffed. “We tried to kill each other once,” he replied dryly. He couldn’t help the small smile that started to creep up his lips as his eldest brother laughed boisterously. Somehow, Jela had always managed to be annoying and delightful at the same time, making Taavos exasperated and laughing all in one breath.

Stars, but he had missed that too.

“Well, go on then,” Ahja said, her grin wide and strong. She leaned back in her chair, the picture of charm and elegance. Her eyes glittered warmly, and he was so glad to see that she’d not lost her light-heartedness during the war. She was much like their mother that way. His sister had always had the ability to bring a sense of cheerfulness to even the darkest times. A sense of stability and support.

And he’d certainly missed that.

“What?”

She chuckled, “You’re not getting away with a line like that so easily. You know we won’t let you leave this table till you’ve told that story.”

He huffed a short laugh, but conceded.

And so he told them everything.

He… left out the gore. But he told them of how their squads had stood off against one another. Of the human alien strutting into his camp as if it were any other normal day. Their tense meeting and her asking for his help to save Havarl. He told them of how she believed him to have the memories of Zorai, just as the sages had when he’d been but a child.

Taavos told them of the artifact she’d given him, the angaran gauntlet that had triggered recollections of a place he’d never even been to before. He told them about the trek to the third monolith. He also mentioned she talked an awful lot, garnering understanding chuckles from his siblings. They had met many aliens on Aya. He spoke of the underground Remnant structure, long abandoned and lost to time, but somehow… familiar to him alone.

He didn’t mention that he’d found Zorai’s body. _His_ body.

And they simply… listened. Accepted it. Nodding sagely and asking questions here and there. It reminded him so much of Esmus.

By the time he got to speaking about the First Sage and his time at Mithrava, it was nearly lunch. To which of course, Jela insisted they have since they were already at the Tavetaan. Lunch turned into drinks. A couple of hours turned into several.

Each of them told him stories. Told him about the recent happenings of their lives. Their jobs, their friends, their own tales about their first time meeting an alien. The four of them sat like that for a long time, talking about anything and everything. It felt… odd. It _should_ have felt normal, but normal to Taavos was breathing in the thick air of Havarl as he slayed kett after kett. Sleeping with a pistol in his hands. Thinking of ways to ambush the new aliens.

 _That_ was what had passed for normal to Taavos for a long time.

 _This_ was… unnerving.

The sun had begun to set and Ahja stood, stretching, “My legs are sore from sitting so long.” She turned to look at him, “Would you care to join us for dinner tonight? I thought I’d make something special for your return home.”

A pit settled into Taavos’s heart and he looked away guiltily. “Would it… be alright if we had dinner tomorrow instead?” He gazed up to see concern on all three of his siblings. They wore it openly and he sighed, ashamed with himself. “I do not think I am ready to see him just yet,” he said quietly, already feeling like a coward.

When had he become so weak that he couldn’t even face his father?

A soft hand squeezed his shoulder and he glanced up to see Maruul’s gentle smile. “It’s alright, yalaon,” he assured. “It has been a long day anyhow, I am sure you are tired. We can do dinner tomorrow, right Ahja?” he asked, looking up expectantly at their older sister.

Taavos deflated, feeling weak and foolish as he met his sister’s gaze. She simply nodded kindly and said, “Of course. It’ll give me some more time to prepare anyways.”

He knew she was saying it to make him feel better. She had been the only person he’d told. She’d been prepared for the last week.

He sighed, but nodded anyways, thankful for her concession. “I am sorry,” he said.

His eldest brother shook his head, gaining his attention. “You have nothing to apologize for, brother,” Jela stated, standing up and pulling Taavos out of his chair into a crushing hug. The air was squeezed out of his lungs as he returned it and Jela eventually set his feet back onto the ground. “We will see you tomorrow then, yes?” he asked, his smile wide like his shoulders.

“Tomorrow,” Taavos confirmed quietly, giving a small smile.

Jela gave his shoulder one last squeeze before setting off. In search of food, Taavos had no doubt.

Maruul turned to hug him as well, somehow managing to say nothing and speak volumes at the same time as his bioelectricity sent reassurance his way. He pulled away afterwards, turning to follow after their older brother.

That left him standing with Ahja, staring dejectedly at his feet. A gloved hand lifted his chin and he felt like a child about to be scolded. Which would have been nearly accurate, with how much of his mother had been passed down into his oldest sister.

“Hey,” she said lowly, staring at him with a crooked grin. “There is no need to be so sullen.”

“I feel like I’m disappointing you. I don’t know when I turned into such a coward,” he admitted, scowling at himself.

Ahja frowned, pulling him into a fierce embrace. “Oh stop it,” she said sharply. “You are many things, oloan, but a _coward_ has never been one of them.” He huffed at that and she pulled back, locking her eyes on him once more. “And I have never been disappointed in you. Not ever.”

Taavos shook his head fondly, unable to stop himself, “Well, you _are_ stubborn.”

“You’re right. So don’t be so foolish to think I’m going to let you change that in a couple of hours.” She sniffed, feigning at haughtiness then, “Besides, I would never hear the end of it from Jela.”

He laughed and a wry grin graced her face once more.

“I see so much of her in you,” Taavos confessed, smiling sadly.

It was Ahja’s turn to huff. “Mother was a better woman than I could ever hope to be.”

“You do not give yourself enough credit.”

She laughed softly then, but he could feel the old sorrow at the edges of her. “Enough of that,” she admonished fondly. She pulled him into one last hug and he let her, sighing quietly. “I will see you tomorrow then,” Ahja finally said, before she too headed towards home.

He tiredly sunk back into his chair. At some point in the evening, Jela had begun to order tavuum for them and Taavos had barely drank anything from his own glass. Now though, he suddenly felt like he needed it.

He sat there for some time, nursing the pleasant intoxicant and mulling over the past few hours. He hadn’t expected it, if he was being honest with himself. He thought perhaps they would hate him or be angry with him at the very least. He had abandoned them. For years.

Taavos didn’t get too far into his troubled train of thought before something interrupted him.

“Excuse me?” a distinctly non-angaran voice asked.

He turned and felt himself stiffen when he found an alien, a human female, staring down at him. She smiled widely and it took him a moment, but he recognized her. It was the woman from the docks, the one who had spoken so brashly with Sohkaa and had greeted him as if he were a friend.

He probably wouldn’t have recognized her if it weren’t for the fact that the stuff on her head was so unique. He thought that all humans looked the same but her hair was so… bright. Like the color of the lava from the fields below.

Taavos felt his eyes narrow. _What could this alien possibly want?_ He suddenly felt uneasy. She had seemed friendly with Sohkaa. And this was the second time this human had addressed him. What if she was a spy for Evfra as well? Sent to make him trip over his own words? Would Evfra hire an alien to scout out his weaknesses?

She chuckled slightly, “I won’t take up much of your time, I promise.” She reached into a bag at her side then and he felt his muscles tighten, adrenaline threatening to burst from him. _Surely, she would not attack him in the middle of the city._ What she pulled out of it surprised him, but made him no less wary. A large, leather-bound book, thick with heavy paper and obviously worn with time, was opened then.

“I just thought I would give you this,” she said, pulling out one of the sheets and holding it out to him. Taavos glanced down at the paper cautiously. What he saw stopped his breath.

There, on the page, in incredibly fine detail and in full color, was a drawing of him and his three siblings. They were deep within conversation and were captured perfectly. Jela’s large, muscular body crushing the chair underneath him as he waved his hands wildly during a story. Ahja’s mischievous smile and the twinkle that always seemed to be present in her eyes. Maruul’s soft gaze, his arms relaxed behind his head as he listened intently.

And then there was Taavos. His black tattoos stark against his skin, his hands gripping onto his drink. He was smiling but it looked almost sad. Like he wasn’t quite in the moment. He looked… harsh.

He wasn’t sure why that bothered him.

“I was waiting for a shipment to come in from Havarl so I had some time to kill,” the woman voiced, making Taavos jump slightly. He’d nearly forgotten she was there. “I don’t normally go up to strangers and creepily give them my work, but…” She trailed off a little bit and he met her gaze. She gave a small smile and nodded to it, “They seem very important to you.”

His voice was stuck with shock, but he managed to swallow it away, nodding. “They are,” he said hoarsely. 

“Aye,” she said, “I could tell.”

Taavos was speechless once more. He felt like he should be angry that this woman had captured them so perfectly, that she had watched them intently enough to draw them in such detail. But after the day he’d had, he just didn’t have it in him, and all he could do was stare down at the image of him and his siblings.

“You have a fine evening,” the human said. He glanced up at her and she graced him with another wide smile as she gave him a nod and went on her way.

Taavos stared at the drawing for what seemed like ages before he carefully folded it up and stuck it into his shirt pocket.

He felt as lost as he looked in the picture.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was not expecting this to be so difficult to write but WOW ANGARA ARE SO HARD TO WRITE. In the short time that Taavos is in game (about 10 minutes worth of screentime), he's passionate and can be a bit dramatic. Definitely angry, suspicious, confused, but also a smidge hopeful so I'm trying to convey all of that as we go along. 
> 
> Smh, we're gettin the ball rolling though, I promise. I don't know why I feel so pressured with this project, I hope it doesn't show. Hope to keep you reading!


	4. Disoriented

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Definitions
> 
> vesagara - "uprooted people", or "exiles", a derogatory term used by the Roekaar for individuals from the Milky Way.  
> yalaon - older sibling  
> olaon - younger sibling  
> bosen - shelesh for "father"
> 
> Upcoming chapter: it's a biggie. Double my last chapter for sure.

Taavos stood outside the house he’d grown up in anxiously. He shifted from foot to foot, frowning and uncomfortable. His energy came off of him in tense, tight waves that felt barely controlled. He didn’t want to do this, but he could no longer put off seeing his father. He had already spent the last five minutes simply raising his hand to the door, only to pull away from it, afraid.

Stars, he was such a coward.

Taking a deep breath, Taavos finally made himself knock on the entrance. He had to face this.

Maruul opened the door, smiling softly at him and bringing him into a hug. His younger brother pressed his forehead against his own, before pulling back, “How long have you been standing there?”

“Too long, I suspect,” Taavos replied wearily.

“You worry too much, yalaon,” Maruul said, pressing a hand into his shoulder.

Taavos huffed a breath, but said nothing more as he stepped into a home he hadn’t been in for years.

Everything seemed the same and yet… different? The walls were the same pale gray they’d been when he’d lived there, but the furniture he’d jumped on as a child had been changed to something more modern, and all of it was pushed closer together. It was likely to accommodate for the fact that most of their family was gone now. The large bookshelves were still there, although they were fuller. The well-loved tomes that had always lined them were now spaced out between newer books. And there were more pictures. Rows of framed photos and holodisks hung from the walls and sat on nearly every table.

Taavos wasn’t in any of them.

“Olaon,” Jela greeted, smiling broadly even as his voice took a softer tone. He pulled Taavos into a hug, just as Maruul had, but Taavos could tell both of his brothers felt as wary as he. He could feel it in their presences. It had been a long time since he’d seen his father, and an even longer time since they’d been on good terms.

“Come,” Jela said as he pulled back, “let’s sit.”

The three of them all took seats in the large, living area. It was… quiet. Their house had once been filled with many, many people, members of his whole family. Now, there was just silence. The loud and lively home he’d grown up in was muted and empty. It itched at his skin, and left his hands shaking.

Taavos clasped his palms together to stop them from trembling and took a deep breath, turning towards his oldest brother. “How are Piha and the children?”

Jela’s face relaxed at the mention of his wife and family. “They’re good, they’re good. Roshni and Avraan have both started their studies, and Piha and I are trying for more,” he boasted, his bioelectricity proud as he smiled broadly.

He nodded and glanced around the space, before meeting Jela’s eyes again, “Do they not stay here?”

His oldest brother paused for a moment before replying, “Piha took the kids to see her true mother today.” It was a simple sentence, but Taavos had a feeling that the action behind it was not so simple. He must have looked tense because Jela sighed and put his large chin in his hand. “Ahja thought it best if it was just us and father tonight.”

_Did they think he would hurt them? Put his own family in danger?_

Maruul moved closer, lowering his face slightly to catch Taavos’s gaze. “We didn’t want this to be overwhelming. For any of us.”

Taavos’s heart dropped and his teeth clenched. “I see,” he said. They thought him weak then…

His youngest brother was sitting close enough to see the change and feel his energy, and he spoke softly, “A lot has happened since you’ve been gone, yalaon. You aren’t the only one who is different.”

 _Of course,_ he thought. The frustration drained out of him as quickly as it had come as he stared at his brothers. This wasn’t just about him anymore. It was about his family. The family that he had abandoned for years, who had let him come back to them. They had opened their arms up to him and embraced him, had still shown him love and acceptance even after everything he had done.

_Selfish._

“You’re right. I-… I apologize,” Taavos said, his voice rough.

Maruul shook his head and gave a soft smile, “You do not have to be sorry. Just be… prepared. It’ll most likely be awkward and tense at first. But we will get through it. Together.”

Taavos took in a deep breath and tried to return his smile, “You have much faith.”

His brother chuckled, “Someone has too.”

He simply nodded, rubbing his hands against his knees nervously. “Where is Ahja?” he asked.

Jela shifted so that his elbows sat on his thighs, causing Taavos to turn towards him. “She is helping father get ready. I would suppose she’s also preparing him before you see one another again. Giving him a good scolding to make sure he behaves.”

Sounded like Ahja.

Taavos nodded but frowned slightly. “Helping him get ready?”

Both Maruul and Jela stiffened. He watched as his brothers looked at one another, surprised. His youngest brother looked back at him slowly. “Did… Ahja not tell you?” Maruul asked softly.

Before Taavos could even ask what he meant, Ahja stepped into the main room. In front of her, she pushed their father in a wheelchair. Taavos’s breath left him in a rush, his eyes widening as he stood abruptly.

The wheelchair did not stop his father from looking imposing or powerful. If anything, he held his chin higher now than he did when Taavos knew him. Despite the years that had passed, his wide shoulders and large arms were still comparable to Jela’s. His dark purple skin stretched over the sharp cheekbones and jawline he’d passed down to his children. Those features had always made him look distinguished, and his tattoos had made him fierce. The delicate black ink on his face pinched upon seeing his estranged son once more. No one moved and the silence stretched tight across the living space.

Taavos’s hands shook, and he took a steadying breath. He placed his hands behind his back, trying to appear confident and ready. “Hello father,” he murmured.

His father’s eyes narrowed, his cutting jawline clenching and unclenching silently as he stared back at Taavos. The tension was stifling.

Skkut, why had no one told him.

_You did not deserve to be told._

Ahja cleared her through, placing her hand softly against their father’s shoulder, “I invited Taavos to have dinner with us, bosen.”

Their father said nothing, continuing to stare hard at the son who had left him so long ago.

His sister huffed and stepped toward Taavos, wrapping him in a hug. Her bioelectrics nervously pricked against him but she held him tight anyways. “It’s good to see you, brother,” she said, her voice muffled against his shirt.

Taavos swallowed, nodding. “And you,” he replied.

Ahja pulled back, giving him a smile. “Come,” she ordered, turning to address all of them, “let’s have dinner. Maruul and I worked on it all day, I won’t have it go to waste.”

They made their way into the kitchen, ushered by his sister. The large table that had once seated his whole family hadn’t been switched out, much to Taavos’s surprise. Each seat had a plate set at it, out of respect, and his eyes threatened to blur with harsh tears at all of the empty chairs. He swallowed it down as much as he could, going against his very nature. Now was not the time. Not when his father hadn’t said a single word to him. Not when his siblings had been able to sit at this very table for years, had been able to set a plate for the rest of their missing family.

All he had done was leave. He did not deserve to let his tears fall.

Taavos took a seat next to Maruul, noticing that the table’s middle chair had been removed completely to accommodate his father. He glanced up to watch the older angara push himself up to the table, silent and stoic. His father’s chest rose and fell in controlled breaths, as if he were counting them, and he met Taavos’s gaze with narrow eyes and a clenched jaw.

The energy around his father made him uncomfortable. It was… subdued. Tightly held and fraught with a sort of agitation, as if he were trying to keep it inside him. The fact that they were both acting this way spoke volumes about their relationship. This was something that aliens did, hiding themselves; this was not something angara did, and certainly not something his proud and mighty father did. A voice inside Taavos’s head told him that his father _was_ alien to him in a way, and it stole his breath from him.

They ate in silence mostly, the conversation stilted and awkward. His brothers and sister tried their hardest to include Taavos and their father, but neither spoke. His father stayed silent, stewing in barely concealed rage and Taavos felt choked by it, stealing any words he might have said. He knew they could all feel it, and it was so strange to not talk about it. This wasn’t normal, or right. It was completely foreign to everyone at the mostly empty table.

“…-Taavos?”

He glanced up to see Ahja looking at him, concerned, and he realized she must have asked him a question with the expectant way everyone was staring.

“I’m sorry, I was… lost in thought,” he murmured, embarrassed. “What was it that you asked?”

Ahja frowned. “I asked how long you were staying?”

He cleared his throat, setting his utensils down. “I- don’t know. I had not thought that far ahead.”

“Do you think… you’re back now?” Maruul asked, his young face looking almost hopeful. “Back home, I mean.”

_Home._

Was this home anymore?

Taavos started, “I’m not sure I-“

“-Why have you come?”

The question made him jump, glancing up at his father’s deep rumble. It was the first thing he’d said all night, but his body language spoke volumes. The cold stare, the puffed chest and proud chin. His black tattoos looked angry against his deep frown and the fury that sparked through his bioelectrics made him an imposing figure indeed.

The room fell silent and tense as Taavos took a breath. “To see my family. To make amends.”

His father scoffed. “Amends, is it?” he snapped, “That’s what you think we need? Recompense for the years you abandoned us?”

“Bosen-“ Jela tried, only to be cut off as their father pushed himself away from the dinner table.

“You,” the elder angara pressed on, his voice rising, “have not had a care for this family in years, and now you suddenly think you are entitled to our time? Our food, our efforts, our love?!” He was shouting now, his deep voice echoing into their empty home. “Arrogant!”

Taavos’s teeth clenched together as his father’s rage spilled into him. He wanted to respond. With anger or antagonism or defensiveness. Something that was familiar to him. And yet, nothing was coming. All he could do was sit and tremble and hold himself together. He was as weak as he feared.

“ _You_ are not on Aya for this family,” his father spat, “so tell me why you have come here!”

> _Taavos was playing cards when it began._
> 
> _The Havarl air was especially thick this evening, and most of the Roekaar were restless. Akksul had left on another mission however, and they were still waiting on supplies, so there wasn’t much they could do but wait for the time being._
> 
> _“That’s another win for me,” Rhela boasted, tossing her hand into the middle of the table for the rest of them to see._
> 
> _Everyone groaned and Tuul scoffed, “Stars, Rhela. You’re going to make this whole camp bankrupt with the way you play cards.”_
> 
> _The young woman laughed, sweeping her winnings into a pile. “Hey, I suggested stripping but nobody seemed inclined,” she chuckled, a wry grin on her lips._
> 
> _Taavos shook his head, “That’s because you’re cutthroat.”_
> 
> _Rhela looked like she was going to argue but was interrupted by a commotion outside. A young recruit, Taavos couldn’t remember his name, burst in through the doors, breathing hard. “Commander, sir,” he said, saluting._
> 
> _Taavos stood, his brow furrowing, “What is it?”_
> 
> _The fear on the new recruit’s face was palpable, “It’s the aliens, sir. The important ones. They just wiped out the forward camp.”_
> 
> _Taavos cursed as everyone rushed to get up, grabbing onto their weapons. “Get to your stations, I want everyone covering that courtyard. Tuul,” he said, glancing at his friend, “get up in the sniper’s nest and lay down suppressive fire on my mark. We cannot let them cross the field!”_
> 
> _“Yes, sir!”_
> 
> _He turned back towards the young man, taking in the wide eyes and shaking hands. “Why am I just now hearing about this?” he demanded, ushering the boy to follow him as they made their way out of the doors._
> 
> _“We only got the transmission a couple of minutes ago. One of the soldiers from the forward camp got a call through before-…” The young man seemed to choke up a bit. He was obviously very young, and Taavos was loathe to admit someone who was probably still in their teenage years should be putting themselves on the front lines. But what choice did they have? The Roekaar had desperately needed people when it was just the Kett, but now? With the aliens as well?_
> 
> _No. There was no choice. But there was no honor in sending a life that young and inexperienced into death either._
> 
> _“I understand,” Taavos said, putting a hand on the young man’s shoulder. “I need you to do something for me.”_
> 
> _The recruit nodded, “Anything, sir.”_
> 
> _“Go to the back of the camp, and when you hear shots firing, release the adhi. The more numbers we have on our side, the easier it will be to overwhelm the aliens. Once that’s done, stay there, just in case we get flanked somehow.”_
> 
> _Frowning, the young man looked as if he was going to argue but Taavos pushed the gate keys into his hands. “Do as I say.”_
> 
> _“Yes, sir.”_
> 
> _The recruit ran off and Taavos turned back towards the Havarl landscape._
> 
> _His people were all positioned in a wide arc across the top of the cliff, their guns at the ready. He crouched down behind some cover and looked out over the courtyard below. It was a large, empty thing, perfect for seeing anyone coming. But then, the forward camp had a bridge than spanned a large gorge, a perfect stopgap that should have prevented any sort of direct assault, and the aliens had been able to cross it and kill everyone there._
> 
> _Taavos sneered angrily at the thought, staring out his scope. Silent, tense minutes passed and he finally spoke into his comms, “Does anyone have eyes on them?”_
> 
> _Tuul’s digitized voice spoke up, “Nothing yet. Maybe they-.. Wait. I see movement.”_
> 
> _He glanced out over the courtyard, using his scope to check the edges of the encampment. A flash of black and red armor, a large, brutish figure covered in bones, and the fluttering of a rofjinn. “It’s them,” he spat. “Fire on my mark.”_
> 
> _Taavos watched as they crossed through the vast field. The new alien, the one in the black and red armor, smiled up at the angara that travelled with them. He returned her grin with his own and said something that made her throw back her head and laugh. For a moment, something in his gut stirred and he hesitated._
> 
> _It was just long enough for the giant, bone-wearing alien to sense something, and he snapped at the other two. All three of them fell into a position that spoke of practice and their guns swept the area._
> 
> _Taavos growled and aimed his rifle. “Fire.”_
> 
> _The next few minutes were complete chaos. Angara and adhi attacked with a ferocity that was almost desperate. Taavos had thought perhaps having the above ground would give them more leverage, an advantage that could not be crushed, but that turned out not to be the case._
> 
> _The small alien was just so… quick. Faster than anything he had ever seen before, and with a power that shook the very ground. The blue light that she controlled sent her body flying across the battlefield with a speed that should have been impossible and her companions were no less aggressive._
> 
> _He watched as his comrades, his friends, fell one by one to the vesagara. Before he knew it, they were climbing up the stairs into camp, and pushing the Roekaar back._
> 
> _Taavos took cover as bullets whizzed past him, causing him to curse._
> 
> _A flash of movement landed next to him and he whipped his head to see Rhela taking cover beside him. “Sir,” she shouted over the gunfire, “we need reinforcements!”_
> 
> _He yelled in frustration, taking a couple of shots towards their enemies before crouching back down next to her. This wasn’t supposed to be happening. They were just supposed to be waiting for supplies and preparing for their next attack. They hadn’t expected an ambush from the new aliens._
> 
> _“Sir!”_
> 
> _“Yes! I know,” Taavos shouted back. He huffed as more bullets ricocheted off the wall above him. “Lay down suppressive fire. I have to get to the radio to contact Akksul!”_
> 
> _Rhela nodded and stood, shooting off a few rounds as he made a run for the communications building. He only made it a couple of steps when he heard her shriek in pain, and then go silent altogether._
> 
> _Blood rushed through his veins, his adrenaline crashing over his skin skittishly as he ran. If he could just get ahold of Akksul, they could win this._
> 
> _Couldn’t they?_
> 
> _The door swished open and he hurried through them, reaching for the long-range comms._
> 
> _“This is Commander al Jabbar requesting reinforcement at Old Pelaav, we are under attack! I repeat, we are under attack!”_
> 
> _Nothing. Static._
> 
> _“The aliens have reached Old Pelaav and we are taking casualties!”_
> 
> _Silence. Outside, the gunfire stopped._
> 
> _“Akksul! Come in, Akksul! Anyone! We’re under attack!”_
> 
> _Bootsteps thudded outside and a young voice spoke, muffled through the door, “He’s in here, I can hear him.”_
> 
> _Rage and sorrow and mourning seeped into his very soul at the alien voice he did not recognize and at the soft sound of the door opening behind him. That meant that his people were dead, and that he was next. These aliens were no better than the last. They were exactly like the kett. His jaw clenched and he nodded bitterly as he turned towards his killers._
> 
> _All three of them stood before him, wary, and though he let his fury soak his words, his voice sounded eerily calm when he spoke. “You have killed men under my charge. And now you’ll crown that achievement by killing me too.” Taavos glanced at the angara that was standing with them, the one that Akksul had known long ago. “And you,” he said, “I know your face. Why do you help these murderers?”_
> 
> _The angara looked distressed and annoyed, huffing an irritated breath when he replied, “Ryder’s an ally. She’s already helped the scientists at Daar Pelaav.”_
> 
> _“I know,” Taavos spat, “and they should be ashamed. After all we’ve been through with the kett!” Traitors. All of them. He turned back towards the small one, the one the angara had called ‘Ryder’. “Tell me why you have come here, so I know why I have died!”_

Taavos stood abruptly, gasping for breath as he stumbled away from the memory. Something hit the floor with a crash and he realized he had knocked over a chair over in his haste to move. Dinner. He was at dinner. His limbs shook and he nearly fell to his knees with the way his energy jerked away from him.

“Taavos!” he heard Ahja yell as she rushed to his side. She reached out for him and he lurched away from her grasping hands, stumbling back.

“Don’t,” he rasped, still feeling like he was breathing in the thick, heavy air of Havarl. “I have to go,” he said as his vision blurred.

Maruul stood as well and began to approach, “Yalaon, what’s happeni-“

“Don’t! Please!” Taavos begged, staggering away from all of them. He prayed to whoever was listening that he did not collapse in front of them. Not in front of his father. Not in front of a family who’d been abandoned by him. They deserved so much more than his cowardice and weaknesses.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered, his voice wavering with grief as he stumbled out of the room, leaving the house completely to get himself under control. Someone called after him but he kept moving, knowing that if he stopped he wouldn’t start again.

Taavos shook with the realization that he had made a mistake coming home. A selfish, arrogant mistake that broke his heart. He should have just let it be, should have let them live their lives happily and without him. He was broken and a shell of the man he had been before. He couldn’t even control his own mind. A couple of words from his father had set him spiraling into his memories. He was weak. They deserved more than he would ever be able to give.

It was a clear, moonless night on Aya. People had gone home for the evening and the streets were completely silent. Not even a breeze blew through the air tonight. The absence of sound felt oppressive, and Taavos only made it halfway to his temporary quarters before his heavy limbs buckled underneath of him and he fell to his knees.

He had once been strong, his anger carrying him through the worst of his life. Most importantly though, he had been in control of his thoughts. Now, he was feeble. Damaged. His own memories took his energy away from him. He was not the man that deserved the acceptance of his family. It had been foolish to think otherwise. A soft sob left his throat and he felt overcome with frustration.

Something startled at the noise, and out of the corner of his eye he watched it move towards him. “Are you alright?” a soft, accented voice asked, causing him to flinch. It was not angaran. Five-fingered hands reached towards him and he glanced up to see who they belonged to. The dark made it hard to see the color of their eyes, but their head was framed with a large, fuzzy twist of lava that he recognized immediately.

The woman from the docks. The one who’d drawn him and his siblings in fine detail.

Her mouth parted in what looked like surprise. “It’s you,” she murmured, stretching her hands out to him.

“Don’t touch me,” he breathed out, the words leaving him in a rush. His voice sounded harsh and ragged and he winced. What if she reported him for speaking like that? Evfra would consider this ‘something negative with an alien’ wouldn’t he? “Please,” he added, hoping it might soothe his request.

“No, no, you’re right. I apologize,” she murmured, pulling her hands back slightly and wringing them together. She paused for a moment before asking, “Is… there anything I can do to help?”

The Taavos who’d been in the Roekaar would have accused her of arrogance, just like his father had done. What _help_ could an alien possibly offer? The Taavos he was now, who’d just fled his old home, and had bared witness to the deeds of the human Pathfinder, simply hung his head.

Even though he’d run from his family, he felt no relief. No breeze moved across his skin and made him sigh, no deep breath gave him respite. The eerie quiet of the city pressed down onto him and filled his senses, threatening to send him back into the depths of his own mind. The silence was near stifling and so it was with shame and desperation that he answered, “Just speak.”

“About what?”

“Anything,” he rasped, his breath shaking. “The silence-.. I can’t-..”

She sat next to him, her shoulders parallel with his. “No worries,” she replied, taking on a sort of wary light-heartedness, a cheerfulness that he could tell she was faking. “I wasn’t expecting anyone else to be out this late, you just caught me by surprise is all.”

Taavos took long, slow breaths as he attempted to calm himself. The alien’s voice surprisingly helped in an oddly annoying sort of way.

“I was out here looking at the stars,” she continued, “they’re lovely on moonless nights. You can even see the Milky Way from here, you know?”

A deep breath filtered through his nose and he concentrated on bringing his energy back to himself as Esmus had taught him to do. “That is where you come from?” he asked quietly, eager to fill the silence.

“Aye. Before we came to Andromeda, I used to look up at it from my home planet, Earth. You could see it during certain times of the year on clear nights like this one.” The woman paused and he could hear her shift, turning towards him. “Would you like me to show you?”

He lifted his head to meet her stare. She seemed genuine enough, but it was dark so he couldn’t be completely sure of that. Something made him concede anyways, and he nodded. A flash of her smile was visible even in the dim lighting and she looked up into the sky for a quick moment. She glanced back at him, “Do you mind if I scoot a bit closer? I’ll point it out to you.”

Taavos simply nodded again, anything to keep her focused on talking.

The alien moved towards him and he tensed briefly, only to relax when she settled at his side, careful not to brush against him. She lifted her arm and he followed it as she spoke. “Do you see those three stars there? Shaped sort of like a lopsided triangle?”

“Yes,” Taavos replied, knowing the constellation she spoke of. “That is Aljakal; the mountain stars,” he explained.

That seemed to surprise her because he felt her eyes on him for a second before she turned away. “Well it looks like we’re both learning something new,” she murmured. Straightening out her arm once more, she continued, “Just to the right of that, the bright star? That’s the Milky Way.”

“Doesn’t look like much,” Taavos grumbled before he could stop himself. He froze, but instead of sounding offended like he had expected, she barked out a laugh.

“No, I suppose from here it doesn’t. But Andromeda looked just like it from Earth so there you have it,” she replied as her arm fell back to her side. “Two-point-five million light years away,” she murmured, sounding wistful, “and we made it here in six-hundred years. Now I’m not a scientist by any means, but that sounds pretty goddamn impressive if you ask me.”

Taavos let out a solitary chuckle at her curse and could see the wide grin on her face out of the corner of his eye. The tenseness in his mind began to subside as his breathing started to even out. His bioelectricity had slowed into gentle waves he pushed and pulled, unwinding all the knots and tangles.

They sat there for a moment, the only sound between them was the air entering and leaving their lungs. He heard more than saw her swallow, and her voice was almost a whisper when she asked, “Is everything going to be alright?”

He frowned at the question, realizing what had just happened. That he had just shown how weak he was to an alien. “I’ll be fine,” he replied hastily.

The human seemed to consider that for a moment. “Right,” she finally said, “I won’t push. Just… if there’s anything else I can do, I’m happy to help.”

His brow ridge furrowed and his eyes met hers, “You are an alien. You do not even know me.”

“That’s true,” she conceded, “but the offer is no less genuine.”

“I-…” he started, suddenly unsure what to say. Aliens were not in the habit of giving anything of value, were they? He had seen Kadara, briefly. But this one had done what he had asked, immediately. “Alright,” Taavos muttered, feeling… well, he didn’t know what he was feeling.

The woman nodded, and when he didn’t request anything else of her, she stood. “And you’ll make it back to your place okay?” she asked, dusting off her pants.

He nodded once, standing as well. “I’ll be fine,” he repeated.

“Great,” she responded, “well that’s… good. Very good.” They stood awkwardly and apparently after all the talking she’d jumped right into at his request, she was now out of words to say. “I’ll leave you to it then.”

She started to turn away but he spoke before she could get more than a step. “Thank you,” Taavos murmured, “for… that.” Despite her being an alien, she had helped. It was simply decent to be grateful for it.

She gave him a soft smile before replying, “Anytime.” With that, she turned and walked down the empty streets of Aya.

Taavos sighed, feeling utterly exhausted. What had he done?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For as goddamn long as it is, I absolutely did not enjoy this chapter but I held onto it for soooo long and it was burning a metaphorical hole on my hard drive.
> 
> SO.
> 
> I hope that you, the readers, at least enjoyed it. I like next chapter much much more, and that's something that I'm actually looking forward to posting, unlike this one, which felt a bit dreadful. Planning on posting monday/tuesday ish, so I hope you stick with me!
> 
> As always, thank you for reading!


	5. Exhale

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> definitions:
> 
> yalaon - older sibling  
> olaon - younger sibling  
> bosen - father
> 
> WHOOOO! Two chapters in one week! Enjoy!

> _The alien sighed, looking at him long and hard, before placing her shotgun against the small of her back. It snapped magnetically to her armor, and she grimaced in pain, rolling her shoulder. She must have been hit in the fight._
> 
> _Good. They had killed all of his people. The aliens should have died._
> 
> _“The sages on Mithrava think you could remember the location of the third monolith,” she explained, “because you used to know where it is. In a past life.” The alien kept his gaze and it infuriated him. She should be cowering for what she had done._
> 
> _“The sages sent you?!” Taavos spat. Traitors. Traitors. Traitors. ALL of them. How dare they send these murderers to his doorstep. “Those secretive thin-brains with their skkutting-! They don’t even care that their people are being enslaved and killed by kett!”_
> 
> _He was yelling now. His voice was raw with pain and fury and a rage so powerful he nearly choked on it. All of the men and women under his charge had been slain like they were nothing. Rhela and Tuul and the young boy who’d still had his whole life ahead of him. Gone! Because of the sages?! Because of these vesagara?!_
> 
> _He roared, “My friends died for this?!”_

Taavos shot out of bed, panting and sweating. His bare legs were tangled up in the sheets and he took deep breaths to calm himself.

A dream. It had only been a dream. He was in the temporary quarters he’d been given. He wasn’t with the Pathfinder.

Stars, how his memories haunted him. Taavos disentangled himself from his bed and swung his legs over the edge, rubbing his palms over his eyes tiredly. This was beginning to be too much. When he had first started seeing old memories, some his own, some not, they were only flashes. Still-life pictures in his mind of things that had already happened. But now, they got worse every day, turning into full-blown episodes that tore through his mind.

Esmus had said that the chance it would get worse was very small. That it was up to _Taavos_ whether his memories would cause him pain or not.

 _”Our memories can hinder us at times,”_ he had said. _”It is what we do when we are confronted with these things that changes us for the better or for the worse. Only you can decide when to let go of your past.”_

Taavos scowled as he stood. Did Esmus really think he wasn’t ready to move on? That he was clinging to his past, stubborn and wanting to relive this pain over and over again? That he _wanted_ these memories to assault him for the rest of his life?

No. He was ready to be done with this. Now if only his mind would just… work.

He moved through his morning motions slowly, taking the time to actually meditate when he normally wouldn’t. He showered and dressed with about as much speed as a drugged adhi, and breakfast went by faster than he liked. In truth, he was not ready to get on with what he knew he’d have to do today.

Taavos would have to leave Aya. After last night… Stars, how foolish he had been. To have succumbed to recollections in front of his family, to stumble out into the night, frightened and trembling… If they hadn’t thought to be wary of him before, their long-lost brother, they certainly were now. And the way his father had spoken to him, it was clear that he’d made a mistake in coming home. A selfish, thoughtless mistake.

Not to mention that human at the end of the night…

He groaned. How far he had fallen, to let himself be weak in front of an alien. Taavos couldn’t believe that _Evfra and his mighty Resistance_ hadn’t already broken down his door to take him away. If that human wasn’t a spy, then at the very least he was sure that Evfra still had eyes everywhere. He had fallen to his knees, nearly begged her to help. The human had accepted warily… but she had seemed genuine, perhaps she wouldn’t-

No. No, he couldn’t allow himself to start thinking like that. Being hopeful was what had gotten him in this situation in the first place. It was time to be practical now, and just accept that his family, nor his people, wanted him here.

Taavos packed what little belongings he had back into his bag and began writing out a correspondence to Esmus. Perhaps the old Sage would let him come back to Mithrava. Or maybe he could go to Voeld? He wouldn’t go back to what was left of the Roekaar, but outside of his family, he really didn’t know anyone else…

A knock at the door startled him out of his thoughts. Taavos sighed and stood. Looked like Evfra had finally come to collect him. He barely made it a step towards the entrance before it swished open and someone stomped inside. He stopped, stunned.

“Ahja?” he murmured in surprise.

His sister folded her arms over her chest and frowned, glaring at the luggage behind him. “And just what is it you think you’re doing?” she asked, voice hard.

“I…-“ He glanced back at his bags and then back to her, wariness and confusion settling into his energy. “What are you doing here, yalaon?”

“I came looking for my galaxy forsaken brother,” she snapped, “who apparently is going to sneak away like a thief.”

Taavos sighed. “Ahja, you saw what happened yesterday and how it was with father.”

“So that’s it then?” she interrogated. She threw her hands up in frustration, “One fight and you’re just going to give up?”

He frowned, “It wasn’t just one fight though, was it?” It had been like this between him and his father for a long time. Antagonistic, rough, full of insults and disappointment. Last night had been no different.

Ahja ignored the comment, huffing a breath, and electing to change the subject. “Were you even going to tell anyone?!” she shouted, gesturing towards his bag.

Taavos bristled, “Were you?! Am I suddenly the only one who’s been keeping secrets?”

Ahja stopped, letting her hand fall to her side. The anger dissipated from him just as quickly as it had come, leaving only defeat in it’s wake. He slumped down onto the couch, running a hand over his head. He huffed a breath, “Why didn’t you tell me father was in a wheelchair?”

There was a long pause before his sister said anything. She stepped close and took the seat next to him, “Because if I had told you, you would have been prepared for it, and you would have looked at him the way everyone else looks at him. Like you feel sorry for him. He would have seen pity, instead of surprise, and that would have made him even angrier.”

“Yes,” he said, shaking his head, “Stars forbid that his failure of a son ever feel sympathy for him.”

“Stop that.” Ahja smacked his arm lightly, but there was no real conviction behind it.

There was a bit of a pause and they sat there quietly for a moment. Taavos took a long breath and murmured, “He looked just as strong as he did all those years ago. I would not pity him. I _do not_ pity him.”

She sniffed, “Good. Because he would resent it if you did.”

“He resents me now,” he countered, looking pointedly at his sister.

Ahja sighed, placing a hand on his shoulder. “He doesn’t, olaon. He’s just… hurting,” she explained.

“What happened?” Taavos asked. His voice was nearly a whisper, like if he couldn’t hear the question, then that meant it might not be real.

His sister closed her eyes, and waited a long moment before she opened them back up to meet his eyes. She took a deep breath, looking sad, “His injuries simply progressed. The doctors said that there was nothing more they could do to keep his legs working.”

The defeat in her voice hit him painfully, clenching at his heart. His sister had _always_ been the strong one. To hear her sound so dejected and lost physically hurt him.

“They did everything they could but eventually he could no longer walk on his own, and he had no choice. They gave him the chair about three months ago,” Ahja said softly.

He hadn’t even known. All this time, all these years, and he hadn’t known about what his father had suffered after he had left. How his _family_ had suffered. But they had endured. And they would endure still… even when he was gone.

“What are you doing here, Ahja?” he finally asked.

Ahja’s eyes softened at that. “I was being honest when I said you have never been a coward, Taavos,” she explained. Her brow ridge furrowed down further and she continued, “Don’t start now.”

He huffed a breath. “What are you asking of me?”

She straightened, donning a slightly tight expression. That was her ‘I’m going to give you an order and you’re going to like it’ face. “Six months,” she said. “You stay here for six months, until Midsummer, and then if you still think you should leave, I will personally help you find a decent and worthy home somewhere else.”

Taavos sighed, giving her a knowing look, “And if I should stay after Midsummer?”

Ahja’s mouth turned up into a slow, gentle smile, “Then we will plead your case to the Moshae. She has much sway with Evfra and the Governor.” She narrowed her eyes then, still grinning, “Perhaps the _alien_ Pathfinder could help.”

“I haven’t even agreed to this yet,” he argued.

She nodded, “That’s true. And I won’t make you do this. If you truly think leaving is the best thing, then… I cannot stop you.” His sister gave his arm a squeeze. “But, I won’t deny that I have missed having you around, brother, and that I hope you will do this.”

Her bioelectricity soothed over his, warmth and concern touching at his edges. Leave it to Ahja to convince him to stay. He looked away from her pleading eyes. “Does bosen know that you are asking this of me?”

“Yes. I asked him to agree to it as well,” she replied. “He was reluctant at first but he… wants to make amends too. Too proud to admit it, of course, but… the house is very empty now. I think he feels the loneliness just as we do. We have a chance to have a piece of our family back. He understands that it’s worth at least trying to fix.”

Taavos’s brow ridge raised in surprise. His father had…-. His mind spun with the implications. He had _missed_ his family. Stars he had missed them. His mind had dragged up long buried memories of being with his siblings and parents when he had stayed in Mithrava, and if he was being honest, that was what had brought him here. Seeing those moments again, it was disorienting and vivid and painful and enlightening. He had finally remembered that they had lost just as much as him, if not more, and that they stood strong in their grief.

It was time for him to do the same.

“Six months…” he said softly.

Ahja nodded. “Six months.”

He sighed, catching her eyes with his own, “I-… I will try.”

His sister’s face softened into a smile. “That is all any of us can do, olaon.” She stood, taking a deep breath and rolling her shoulders, as if a great weight had just been lifted from them. “Your brothers will be very pleased,” she informed him, smiling dubiously.

Taavos scoffed, “Jela will be insufferable, I imagine.”

“You shouldn’t expect anything different from him honestly,” Ahja chuckled.

He grinned with her, letting a mostly comfortable silence stretch between them. He glanced up at her, seeing a look of soft fondness on her face. “Thank you, Ahja,” he said quietly.

His sister waved her hand at that, “I promised mother I would take care of all of you. I think it’s time I started making good on that promise.”

Taavos gave a small smile, taking on a teasing tone that he knew exasperated her, “That sounded very maternal of you. Have you thought about having children of your own?”

“Please,” Ahja said as she let out a sharp laugh, “you and your brothers are children enough.”

He grinned at the jab, watching her eyes suddenly twinkle with thought. She crossed her arms, resting her chin in her hand. “We will have to get you a job,” she murmured thoughtfully.

“I thought you said I was a child.”

She paused. “I withdraw my point. You are an adult, and as such, you will have a job.”

“Fair enough,” Taavos replied. “You think the Governor and Evfra will honestly let this happen?”

“Oh, I’m sure I can spin something. Make it sound like if you’re going to be here, you should contribute to society. Work back into civilian life, that sort of thing,” she said coolly.

He shook his head warmly. “You always were the smart one,” he murmured.

Ahja grinned, “Don’t let anyone tell you differently.” She uncrossed her arms and gestured towards the door, “Right. It’s settled then. Come on.”

He blinked. “What? You mean now?” asked, moving to stand.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Did you suddenly have pressing plans that I was unaware of?”

“See,” he said, pointing at her, “maternal.”

“Keep teasing me and I’ll get you a job scrubbing Resistance toilets,” she threatened. She grinned ferally when she saw him wince and they headed out the door together.

The two of them fell into step and banter easily, as if they had never spent years apart. After spending the past year on Mithrava, surrounded by old, stuffy sages and stern angaran teachers, it was a relief to find comradery in his family. A thing that, while unexpected, had been sorely missed.

They didn’t walk for long, even with how busy the streets were. Angara and aliens alike milled about, making purchases and working with one another. Taavos stepped carefully still, making sure to never get too close to any of them. One wrong bump into some alien and Evfra would toss him into space with no regard for the agreement he’d just made with Ahja. Now that he thought about it, the Resistance leader would probably do his hardest to get rid of him _because_ he’d agreed to stay.

The two walked up a flight of stairs and stepped up through a door. He hadn’t been paying attention to the direction they’d gone, too busy trying not to run into any aliens, but what he saw made him stop.

“The museum,” he said dubiously. There were many people here, much to his disbelief. More than he ever remembered being here from when he was a kid. There were even a couple of aliens. Everyone seemed to be centered around what looked like a flat, thin moving crate.

Ahja rolled her eyes, “Oh, don’t act so surprised. I was already late for work and we needed a position in the tech department filled.” She turned towards him, catching his gaze. “Two birds. One stone,” she said, acting as though that explanation was obvious.

Taavos frowned at the alien expression, “I don’t know what that means.”

“Nevermind,” she said, looking away from him only to catch her eye on someone else. She gestured towards the gathering crowd, “They just brought in a new piece, and I have to go and sign some of the registrations for it. Stay here.”

Taavos nodded and he watched his sister make her way towards a human male, smiling broadly and accepting a datapad from him. The alien smiled at her in a way that Taavos wasn’t sure he approved of but that train of thought was rudely interrupted by the sound of a sharp crack. He jumped, tensing up slightly before he looked towards the origin of the noise and realized he wasn’t in danger.

The crate that had been sealed up, and seemed to have the attention of angara and alien alike, was being opened. Puffs of packing plastic spilled over the edge of it, retaining some of their bounce as they filled back up with air. Two angara, museum workers he supposed, moved the lid out of the way and carefully sifted past the plastic, pulling it off of the long thin package. As they lifted the crates contents he could finally see what it was.

Large, and by the looks of it, quite old, sat one of the most beautiful paintings he’d ever seen. Dark blues and clean whites depicted the edge of an ocean he did not recognize, and the tropical green that sat along the painted shore made him blink twice. It could have been a painting of Aya? The southern hemisphere perhaps? He could tell it was aged though, so perhaps that wasn’t right.

“Lovely piece, isn’t it?” a voice said next to him.

Taavos’s stomach dropped when he recognized it and his head whipped around to find the human woman standing beside him, leaning against the wall. For galaxies’ sake, why was he seeing her everywhere? He swallowed, wondering if she was going to say something about the night before. Instead, she just looked at him expectantly as she waited for a reply.

When he didn’t say anything right away, she began to grin, and his embarrassment, the tenseness he felt in his chest, suddenly dissipated into annoyance. His eyes narrowed and he frowned. “Are you following me?”

The alien threw her head back in laughter, her eyes crinkling around the edges. “Now that would be a perfect explanation except for the fact that _I’m_ the one who works here,” she said, her smile widening further.

“You?” he asked, eyeing her suspiciously. “What do you do here?”

“Well, I just brought that in,” the human said, gesturing towards the painting. “Found it on Voeld now that the planet is moving out of the goddamn ice age.”

Taavos felt his brow ridge rise. “You found that?”

“Aye,” she said, smiling. She brushed a piece of the fuzzy lava on her head away from her face. “That’s my second find since thawing out from my own damn ice age,” she said proudly. Taavos wasn’t entirely sure what she had meant by that but he had heard rumors that the aliens had come here frozen solid, suspended in time. In silence.

“The Pathfinder still holds the record for an alien, with four finds, but I’m hoping I’ll be able to catch up soon,” the human continued. “It’s worth it to help get some of this history back,” she said, her smile softening.

Taavos stared, a bit stunned. Surely that… wasn’t what she did. Had he really misread her that badly? His paranoia had kept him safe as a soldier, but as a civilian he had placed her as a possible spy. If what she said was true… then she was just an archaeologist. An alien who looked for ancient relics, and drew art in her spare time. Stars, he was absolutely losing it, wasn’t he?

He swallowed. “And… this is what you do?” he asked carefully, “You… find things?”

“I’m what you’d call an… art acquisitioner,” she replied, seeming amused.

Taavos hummed.

“A history liberator,” she continued, her smile growing wider.

His eyes narrowed again. “Uh huh,” he indulged.

The alien was hardly holding back now, grinning with a sort of unbound joy. “An antiquities procurer,” she said, lifting her hand to frame the air, as if it gave her words more embellishment.

“Impressive titles,” Taavos pointed out dryly.

“Aye,” she said, “well I made most of them up.”

“All of them, I’d say,” he replied.

The human burst into laughter, and he couldn’t help the faint tug at the edges of his mouth.

It was at that moment that Taavos realized she was… teasing him. Trying to make him laugh perhaps, with the way that she was grinning mischievously at him. He didn’t know aliens even knew how to joke. Last night she had done as he had asked of her, had been awkward and unsure, and now she seemed… playful, perhaps? She wasn’t even mentioning what had happened? Had she already forgotten?

What if it had been a figment of his imagination?

By the stars’ light, he didn’t even want to think about that.

“Taavos!” he heard called from across the room, glancing away to see Ahja looking at him curiously and waving for him to join her.

“Taavos, is it?” the woman beside him said, as he turned back towards her. “Well, I’ll see you around, Taavos,” she said, smirking and making her way towards the door. He watched her leave, and he found his eyes trailing to the strange, fiery mess on top of her head. The edge of his lip tugged gently even as his brow ridge furrowed apprehensively.

This trip was beginning to turn out to be more than he had bargained for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I hope that Taavos and Ahja's conversation seems genuine. Angara are extremely uncomfortable talking about physical health, and I wanted it to seem a bit clipped and vague. Not only for that reason, but also because: plot. Anyways, I hope that you enjoyed! Next chapter is ALL Taavos and this crazy, confounding human he keeps running into. Stay tuned!
> 
> As always, thank you for reading! :)


	6. Fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> definitions:
> 
> olaon: younger sibling
> 
> ENJOY! :)

Integrating back into civilian life was… trying. For angara, there was always a chance of danger, what with the kett having been around for so long. _Everybody_ knew how to defend themselves at least a little bit, it was just part of life. But Taavos had been a soldier for the last seven years. Having a regular job was… frustrating? Tedious wasn’t quite the right word either, but it made him feel restless almost. He felt like he should be looking over his shoulder or making sure his people were doing what they were supposed to be doing.

But they were gone now. And he wasn’t a Commander anymore.

Ahja had said they needed a position in the tech department filled, and when he’d been introduced to the museum’s curator, Avela Kjar, he’d gotten the job almost immediately.

 _”Taavos al Jabbar?”_ she had asked, giving Taavos a long look. _”Relation?_

 _”Brother,”_ Ahja had replied. _”He was a soldier but he’s good with tech and he has experience interacting with the Remnant as well.”_

Avela had scoffed at that. _”I don’t need a warrior, Ahja, I need a scientist. Shooting at Remnant builders who wandered too close to camp hardly counts as ‘experience with Remnant’.”_

The curator had begun to walk away but his sister had caught her attention, _”He was with the Pathfinder when they found the third monolith.”_

The woman paused, turning, _”The third mon-… on Havarl?”_ Avela had sputtered, surprised. _”You’re Zorai?!”_

Taavos had frowned deeply, _”No. I am Taavos.”_

 _”But you have his memories?”_ Avela argued.

 _”Hers,”_ Taavos growled. _”Zorai was a woman.”_

Avela’s eyes had widened significantly. _”By the stars’ light…”_

Ahja had smiled softly at that. _”You know that we can’t call on the Pathfinder every single time we want someone to look at our Remnant pieces. Taavos might be able to help,”_ she had said.

 _”Might, being the most important word in that sentence,”_ he had grumbled. His sister was more cunning than he had remembered her being.

Both women had ignored him, and Avela seemed to think on the implications of that for a long time before answering, _”If we can glean even the smallest bits of information from the Remnant, it’s worth it…”_ There had been another long pause from her but eventually she said, _”Alright, he can have the job. But don’t cause any trouble, and for galaxies’ sake, please don’t break anything.”_

So now, here he was. He’d spent the last two days trying to figure out how to activate the Remnant glyphs on a strange box they had handed him. He could get a few of them to work but it took all of his concentration, and if he slipped up at all, he lost the connection and had to start all over again. It could be tiring but some small part of him was thrilled he was working on it.

As a kid, he had been fascinated with technology. Figuring out patterns in the data and working out how they fit together, understanding how something operated; it had been a passion for him. But then he had lost his siblings and his mother and his relationship with his father had soured and finally he’d joined the Roekaar… The young, excited boy had eventually fizzled out, replaced by a hardened, angry warrior who’d forgotten about his love for figuring things out.

The glyph he’d been concentrating on collapsed once more and Taavos huffed in annoyance. He had let his mind wander. Running his hands over his eyes, he thought about this small box in front of him. The flashes of memory he could call up did not show anything that was a significant help. Perhaps Zorai had not encountered something like this? From what he could recall, he’d only ever seen recollections of the third monolith from her eyes.

Was that where his young passion for technology had come from? From his past life?

He sighed, standing up to stretch.

“Taavos,” Ahja said, approaching him as she looked through a stack of datapads, “do you want to get dinner at the Tavetaan tonight?”

He nodded, “I could eat.”

“Good, I’m starving,” she replied. She glanced up at him, “I have to file a couple more of these reports. That painting that came in has given me piles of datapad work but I should be done soon. Why don’t you go ahead and I’ll meet up with you.”

Taavos hesitated. There was the possibility the Tavetaan would be busy, and if it was, there were bound to be at least a few aliens there. “Are you sure?” he asked, hoping she’d change her mind. “I’m happy to wait for you.”

His sister shook her head, “It’s alright, olaon. Besides, you might need to save us a table.”

He simply nodded, knowing there was no point in arguing with her. He would just have to do his best to avoid the aliens if he could. “Alright, I will see you soon then.”

She smiled and took a moment to squeeze his arm, “Perfect.” And with that, she left him to go file her reports.

Taavos took a moment to steel himself, and make sure he was paying attention to his surroundings before he left the Repository of History. So far, he hadn’t had to interact much with any of the other workers. Angara and aliens left him alone for the most part, apparently at Avela’s insistence. From what Ahja had told him, the Curator had made it perfectly clear that Taavos was be uninterrupted when he was working on Remnant tech, something that he made sure he was always doing so nobody bothered him.

That didn’t stop him from tensing up any time an alien walked by or spent any amount of time in the same room as him. He wasn’t afraid of them, most of the civilian ones seemed squishy and harmless, especially the salarian ones. The aliens living here weren’t like the Pathfinder. They had softer energies to them, indicating that many of them had led relatively safe lives. But if he interacted poorly with one of them and the Resistance found out… well. He was already ‘on thin ice’ according to his sister.

He found himself frowning as he made his way to the Tavetaan. The only alien that had gone out of their way to interact him even a little bit, was the strange human with the fiery mess of hair. Any time she happened to pass by him or see him from across the museum, she gave him a wry grin, and lifted her hand in a wave or salute. Taavos ducked his head every time, feeling confused and irritated.

Was she mocking him? Trying to get him flustered and fired? None of the aliens were anything like the angara, he didn’t know how to handle the attention that she seemed to give him. Hopefully, if he ignored her enough, she would simply become bored and leave him alone. That would be best.

He reached the busy Tavetaan and it was as if the very thought of the alien had summoned her presence, because the second he walked down onto the patio, he saw her. She sat at a table close to the bar, her large, leather-bound book open. Several drawing utensils were scattered across the surface and one was even shoved up into the lava haloing her face. The alien must have felt his gaze, because she looked up, confused, before meeting his eyes.

 _Skkut._ She’d seen him, if the growing smile was any indication.

He tried to push himself to leave. To turn around, and walk out. He didn’t make it even a step before she called out to him, “Taavos!” She lifted her arm and waved him over, urging him to join her.

 _For galaxies’ skkutting sake._ Maybe he could pretend he hadn’t seen her… except for he was still staring right at her. He could simply decline, but that would still require him to go over there and say so. He could pretend he hadn’t heard? Skkut, why did she have to be everywhere?

Taavos must have been standing there awkwardly for a moment too long because he watched her smile falter a bit. And oh, if that didn’t send him moving. Because the Tavetaan was packed, and there were bound to be Resistance fighters amongst the crowd of people. No, it wasn’t worth the risk. Better to just get it over with.

He reached the table, trying to reel in his energy. He didn’t think that the aliens could feel it like angara could, but it was best to be on the safe side with the way his nerves and irritation and wariness were pricking at his skin.

The human gave him a small smile, gesturing towards the seat in front of her, “Would you like to sit for a moment?”

_Say no._

“I’ve been stuck on this drawing for some time, and I could use the break if you’d be inclined to join me,” she continued. Her words were fairly neutral, but he knew that if he slipped up, he’d be done for. Although this alien was a talker, perhaps he wouldn’t even have to say anything. And Ahja was sure to show up soon anyways, that could be his out. Yes, this could be fine. He’d just have to be careful.

Taavos sighed slightly, but nodded, and took the chair opposite of her.

The woman beamed, and when the bartender walked by, she stopped him, an arm on his elbow. “Roaan,” she said, “could you bring another tavuum? For my friend, here.”

The angara glanced at him, and Taavos felt a sort of uneasiness settle against him. The bartender clearly recognized him, and he likely gave information to Evfra. The Resistance leader had his hands in everything. The man didn’t say anything though, simply nodded and gave her shoulder a squeeze.

Taavos felt his brow furrow. She had seemed friendly with Sohkaa, the trader from the docks, and now the bartender from the Tavetaan as well? Was she familiar with everyone on Aya?

When Roaan left, the alien turned her attention back towards him, “I’ve seen you fiddling around with some of the Remnant tech at the museum the past couple of days. You work there now?”

Taavos nodded, “Yes. I started the day the painting came in.”

“Ah,” she said, smiling as she began sweeping all of her drawing supplies into her bag, “that’s good. It’s a great place to work. Always something going on.”

There was an awkward silence and she continued, “I don’t think we were properly introduced.” The alien stuck her arm out to him hesitantly.

His brow furrowed, “What… are you doing?”

She chuckled a bit, her shoulders shaking. “Here, put your right arm out, like mine,” she said. Taavos did so, cautiously and with a slight frown. He felt his bioelectricity tense up a bit and he did he best to keep it in check.

The woman placed her hand in his, much to his utter surprise, and then shook both of their arms up and down. “My name is Arley,” she said. “Arley Wallace-T’Pol.” There was a long pause. “This is where you say your name back.”

Flustered did not adequately describe what he was feeling right now. “Taavos. Al Jabbar,” he murmured off-handedly, before the same question from before startled out of his mouth, “What _are_ you doing?”

“Human custom,” she explained. “’S called ‘shaking hands’. You do it when you’re meeting someone for the first time.”

He frowned. “I am not meeting you for the first time.”

The human laughed, smiling widely at him, “Don’t ruin the fun.”

Taavos glanced up at her, a bit shocked. She was… teasing him again. Her grin came easily, and her hand was warm. Soft. He could feel just the faintest of energies against her skin, her bioelectricity not nearly as powerful as anything angara had, but it was there nonetheless. She looked confident, at ease, but her energy was… just as nervous as his.

He swallowed at that, looking down at their joined hands and twisting her wrist around a bit. “And you do this for fun?” he indulged. “This… ‘shaking hands’? Humans must be quite dull.”

The human laughed, letting go of him then as she grinned wryly, “Well look at you. So, you’ve got jokes, then.”

The corner of his mouth turned up just barely, “These are genuine questions.”

Her chuckle was dry and low, and the pause when the bartender dropped off Taavos’s drink was less awkward than the one before. “Well,” she said, lifting her own drink, “It is very nice to be acquainted with you.”

Taavos hummed, but took a drink of his tavuum in lieu of answering her. The pleasant intoxicant swept down his throat and he felt himself relax just a fraction.

“It’s good, isn’t it?” the human grinned.

He nodded his agreement. “Aya has always gotten the best supplies, it seems,” he replied. He frowned suddenly, “Are you drinking it as well?”

The woman hummed, having been in the middle of a drink when he asked. “Humans don’t have allergies to angaran food as far as we can tell,” she said, “Although, it does taste very, _very_ different from what we eat.”

He watched her shudder theatrically at that and he let out a solitary laugh. “And how did you find that out?”

“Why, by risking anaphylaxis shock and testing it out, of course,” the woman said, smiling into her drink conspiratorially.

The corners of his mouth lifted into a faint grin.

“Tavuum is okay though,” she continued. “I’ve heard that angara find it to be slightly sweet.”

“It is,” he nodded. “What does it taste like to you?”

“Oh,” she laughed, “bitter as all get-out. Reminds me of the oak sour my mother used to drink when I was a kid.”

Taavos wasn’t sure what ‘oak sour’ was, but it made her smile fondly so he didn’t say anything.

“You said ‘al Jabbar’. Are you related to Ahja?” she asked.

His brow rose, “She’s my sister… Do you know her?”

The woman shook her head. “Know _of_ her. We’ve only ever met in passing, I’m afraid. She’s very smart though, from what I’m told,” the alien said, taking a sip of her own drink.

Taavos snorted, “Don’t tell her that. It’ll go straight to her head.”

She laughed, “Aye, that’s the way of siblings everywhere I think, no matter the species.”

The tavuum on Aya was _much_ better than anything they’d gotten in the Roekaar. It was smoother going down, and the taste didn’t burn his throat like it used to, so he found himself taking another drink. “Do you have siblings?” he asked after clearing his throat.

“Two,” she nodded, “a brother and a sister. Both younger. And you? Angara have large families, I hear.”

His heart clenched painfully at that and he looked away from her, taking another deep drink. “Just… uhm, the four of us,” he said. “The people from your drawing, those are my siblings.”

The human didn’t say anything at first, but he couldn’t dare look at her. He didn’t want an alien’s pity. “Well,” she said finally, “I do apologize if my artwork made you uncomfortable. They way you all were with each other, it was just so… alive.”

Taavos blinked at that, noticing the slight change in subject and how she didn’t push about how small his family was. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat, “It was quite… accurate.”

She chuckled a bit, her voice taking on the teasing tone he was beginning to recognize, “I believe, that _may_ have possibly been a compliment.”

“Merely an observation,” he countered.

“Right,” she drawled in mock agreement, “of course.”

They drifted into a… not quite comfortable silence, but it didn’t itch at his skin the way he expected it to. Of course, that could have just been the tavuum. He took the moment to take a better look at her anyways.

Even with his extremely limited knowledge of aliens, he could tell that she was young. Not quite as young as Maruul, but she looked like she was perhaps a similar age to the Pathfinder. Most human’s he’d seen had very dull colored hair, like dirt, so he had wondered if it was for blending in, a camouflage of sorts. Whatever the evolutionary benefit to head hair was, he couldn’t imagine hers was effective with how much it resembled burning lava. And none of the other aliens had eyes like angara. They all seemed to have different colors. Hers of which, looked like a fairly pale blue.

She held herself differently too. Differently than the Pathfinder, at least. Ryder was a fighter, and kept herself in check emotionally like most humans. This one seemed more… care-free, perhaps? She was quick with a smile or a joke, certainly. But even with the bouts of awkwardness that settled into her every now and then, she didn’t exactly shy away from it. She just seemed to try to… get through it.

Which brought him back to the events that had happened the other night under Aya’s sky.

Taavos had fallen to his knees, shaking and broken. He’d snapped at her, fear rolling off of him in sharp surges, as he tried to come down from his memories, and she’d simply… done as he had asked. Talked. She filled the silence he had begged her to break. This strange woman had not run off, or reported him to authorities, or commented on how weak he truly was. All she did was sit there, and speak.

And for the life of him, he had no idea why.

“The other night,” he started, his voice harsher than he expected, “when you were looking at the stars…”

The human glanced up at him, searching his face. “What about it?” she asked, her expression neutral.

Taavos pushed forward, needing an answer, “Why haven’t you mentioned it?”

“Ah,” she murmured, a small, sad smile tugging at her lips. The human looked contemplative then, her face masking whatever she was truly feeling into something more careful. Composed. Taavos recognized that one.

The alien swirled the contents of her drink, watching it raptly, thinking. “It has… been my experience,” she started cautiously, “that people do not often like to talk about things that make them uncomfortable, especially with strangers.” She glanced up at him then, taking a sip from her cup. “I notice that prior to this, you haven’t mentioned it either.” 

Taavos frowned. She was correct, but only because it wasn’t the business of an alien to know things about him. She continued onward without waiting for a reply.

“Angara are so…” she took a breath, as if looking for the right word. “ _Free_ with their emotions. I’ve never met one that held much back. But you,” she intoned, causing him to tense significantly, “you seem more… subdued. Like you are trying to keep everything very close to you. It-… I don’t quite understand it.”

He let out a ragged breath. “I am under no obligation to make sense to you,” he snapped, keeping his voice low.

The alien’s brows rose, and she leaned forward, placing her elbows on the table. “Aye, and I understand that, Taavos. Trust me, if anyone understands that, it’s me,” she replied. The woman sighed, before continuing, “Look, I won’t _ever_ force you to tell me what happened that night. And not because it makes _me_ uncomfortable, because it doesn’t. It didn’t then, either. It’s out of respect, that I haven’t said anything about it. You don’t owe me clarification.”

Taavos huffed, irritated. “I’ve never met an _alien_ that was willing to go without explanation,” he spat. His bioelectrics fretted across his skin, and he knew it was out of anxiety that he was acting this way.

That small, sad smile crossed her features again and she spoke, “And I’ve never met an angara who was unwilling to give one.”

They sat in a tense, awkward silence for a moment, letting their words sink in. Taavos didn’t know what to think. He felt angry? But it was almost false, as if he was just using his anger to mask his true emotions.

What she said was-… true. He was no longer as open as other angara, and he certainly wasn’t open around other aliens. Most of the time he was mad and grieving and felt like he was drowning and it was only by sheer will that he did not constantly project that from himself. He did not want others to see the weak, emotionally chaotic man he had become.

He had lost everything. And now he was losing his mind too.

“Don’t feel obligated to take me up on my offer. But you should know that if you ever _did_ want to talk about it, I’m happy to listen” she murmured.

Taavos looked at her, catching her pale blue eyes with his own. This was the second human who had offered him their help, the Pathfinder being the first. But somehow this was… different. Ryder had needed something from him, and had done something for him in return. It had ended up benefitting them both. As far as he could tell, this woman was not benefitting from anything by offering him her help. She was just simply… offering. Again. Somehow that almost made it worse.

He was spared having to answer her, because it was then that Ahja rushed up towards the table, startling both him and the human. “Sorry I’m late,” she huffed, sounding a bit out of breath, “Avela cornered me and I...” Ahja stopped, seeing the human for the first time and sensing the tension prickling at the table. “I’m… interrupting, it seems,” his sister said neutrally.

The human shook her head, “No, no. Not at all. I was just heading out anyways.” She gathered up her things and stood. “Here, take my seat, please. The place has been packed all night.”

Ahja looked surprised, but acquiesced anyways. “Thank you,” she said.

“Of course,” the alien replied, giving his sister a genuine smile. She turned towards him then, seeming hesitant and a bit wary. “It was… nice to officially meet you, Taavos.”

He blinked, huffing a sigh. He simply nodded at her, not able to trust his voice to falter or stumble.

She smiled at him then, small and tentative. She sounded sincere though when she bid them a final farewell, “I hope you both have a lovely evening.”

There was a long silence as he and his sister both watched the human walk out of the Tavetaan. Ahja cleared her throat, “She has nice manners.”

Taavos grunted before putting his tavuum cup up to his lips and emptying the rest of it in one drink. There was another long pause before Ahja pushed, “I recognize her from the museum. Who is she?”

He sighed, rubbing his hands over his eyes before taking one last glance at the Tavetaan entrance. His voice was low and uncertain, and his answer bothered him more than he let on.

“I don’t know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you were subscribed when I first put this out, you'll notice I changed Arley's (pronounced like Carly, without the C) last name. Plot, ya know. Any star trek fans out there? ;)
> 
> Hope you guys have enjoyed these last few chapters, it's been so lovely seeing all of your comments and your kudos and having so many people subscribe. Truly, thank you so much :)


	7. Grounded

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Definitions:
> 
> yalaon - older sibling  
> olaon - younger sibling  
> bosen - father

> _The female alien stiffened at Taavos’s anger, and the large, bone-covered creature standing behind her growled low, taking a step forward._
> 
> _Her expression was a mix of things Taavos couldn’t quite understand, but her voice sounded desperate. “I’m very sorry,” she started, “I’m just trying my best to find the third monolith and save Havarl!”_
> 
> _He sneered, shaking with rage and she sighed. The alien seemed to ignore his anger then, working to compose her expression to something more neutral. “I have an… artifact or heirloom or… something,” she said, sounding weary. She unhooked whatever it was from her tactical belt and continued, “I’m going to set it down, and I need you to take hold of it.”_
> 
> _Taavos stepped back, frowning. “What?” he snapped._
> 
> _She leaned down, keeping his gaze with her own and placed it on the ground. The object looked alien at first glance but after a moment he could spot things he thought he recognized. It obviously had some angaran influences and-_
> 
> _Taavos leaned down towards it mid thought. He was… drawn to it, somehow. It seemed… familiar. Had he seen it when he was a child perhaps? On one of his school trips?_
> 
> _His hand clasped over the oblong object and he stood. Nothing happened. He glanced up to see the three intruders looking at him expectantly and he remembered the anger simmering beneath his skin. He lifted it towards them, shaking it. “And?” he demanded._
> 
> _All three looked confused, like they had anticipated something different, and the largest one grumbled, “Ryder, it’s not doing anything.”_
> 
> _Taavos glanced back down at it, his brow furrowing despite himself. Why was this thing so familiar? It was almost like… a gauntlet, of some sort? Long, with a hollowed-out center wide enough for a wrist or forearm. But it was old, not something that he had ever seen used before._
> 
> _No, this was much older. And yet, he knew what it was._
> 
> _“Wait,” Taavos murmured, turning it over. He ran his thumbs over the grooves and frowned. “There are things like this in the museum on Aya. Ancient angaran tech,” he explained, unclipping two of the clasps to open it up and slip it over his wrist._
> 
> _He had never touched one of these before, he was certain of it, and yet… he knew how it worked. As if by… memory. But that… couldn’t be right, could it?_
> 
> _Taavos turned the gauntlet over once more to clasp it back together, and glanced at the soft, almost glove like lining hanging from it. “This fits over a hand…” he murmured, stretching it to accommodate his long fingers. The inside of it felt strange, as if there were…_
> 
> _He realized, “Contacts on the inside for myoelectric control of-” Of what? The glove had to be turned on. He didn’t know how he knew that, or to what end, just that it had to be so that it could… could what? He twisted his wrist back over, still frowning. To turn on, it would require bioelectricity. Then, and only then, would the contacts on the inside do what they were supposed to. Not seeing a specific location to send his energy, he elected to simply push power into its general direction._
> 
> _His bioelectrics swam outwards from his arm into the glove, crackling against his skin, and without warning-_
> 
> **_Flashes. Images. Of a place. She had to go._ **
> 
> **_Underground. Not far._ **
> 
> _Taavos gasped, stumbling back as his eyes drew in and out of focus. What-_
> 
> _The short alien in front of him surged forward, her eyes wide. He took a step away and choked, “What did you do to me?”_
> 
> _She reached out her arm but pulled back when he flinched. “Are you alright?” she asked worriedly._
> 
> _Arrogant creature._
> 
> _The information came to him in quick bursts and only served to disorient him more. Locations, smells, emotions. It all rushed into him at once, and none of it made any sense. He felt himself sagging against the wall behind him as he watched- no, felt- data crash through him like waves against a rockface._
> 
> _Specific, though. A specific piece of information was flashed repeatedly and a soft voice urged him to speak up. It was his voice, but not._
> 
> _“I-… know things,” he said as he watched a memory float to the forefront of his thoughts. A structure, lowering into the earth. “The underground monolith,” he murmured. As if the words themselves were what the gauntlet was after, it flooded him with another surge of emotions._
> 
> **_Exhaustion from the machines. Don’t stop, even if it’s torture. It must end._ **
> 
> _He grit his teeth, “I remember… pain. Desperation.” He closed his eyes against the onslaught and tried to shove it away, but the memories would not let him._
> 
> _The female alien stepped forward, and his eyes snapped open to watch her lower her head to catch his gaze, “I need you to take me there. Please.”_
> 
> _Something told him to say yes._
> 
> _“If you do this,” she continued, “we can save Havarl. Together.”_
> 
> **_Yes. Go. Finish it._ **
> 
> _His jaw clenched uncomfortably and he gnashed his teeth against the flashes. “You… you’re an alien,” he bit out, trying to bring his own thoughts to the front. “I can’t trust-“_
> 
> _“-Then let me try to earn your trust,” she pleaded, her eyes desperate. “Please.”_
> 
> **_You must. You must. You. Must._ **
> 
> _The gauntlet was too powerful, and it knocked against his brain, threatening to topple him over._
> 
> _Fine, he answered._
> 
> _The battering of memories stopped and the images dulled, as if mollified._
> 
> _Taavos sighed, his mind clearing a bit. “Deep beneath the surface but… but not far,” he explained. A set of numbers flashed softly against his vision. “I… know the coordinates, and I will guide you the rest of the way. Just… let me compose myself first,” he said. His mind was swimming. Drowning. Something else… something that was really and truly him, knew he would have done this anyways. And that alone filled him with a terrible sorrow._
> 
> _He glanced down at the strange gauntlet and felt tears sting his eyes._
> 
> _They had killed everyone in his camp. Every soldier under his command, his friends, were gone… and now, these aliens, the ones who’d given him this cursed object had made sure his mind was not his own anymore, hadn’t they?_

Taavos closed his eyes and let out a ragged sigh.

He should have known. He should have known; he had said it himself months and months ago.

_There are things like this in the museum on Aya._

_Ancient angaran tech._

He ought to have considered he would see one again but for some reason, he hadn’t even thought about it. Now though, as he gripped the pedestal in front of him with tight knuckles, he realized he should have seen it coming.

The gauntlet they had in the museum was different. It didn’t have all of the same bioelectric points as the one he’d used, and the glove lining on the inside was missing, lost to battle or to time, he could not say, but the overall structure was nearly exact. He’d only had to glance at it once to know immediately what it was.

Taavos’s shoulders shook, and he took a deep, steadying breath, his eyes still closed. He pushed himself hard to stay calm. He couldn’t break down here. Not at work. Not with other aliens around.

“Taavos?”

He shuddered, barely turning his head to answer the voice he recognized, “Maruul. Give me just a moment.”

He could hear his younger brother approach, concern in his voice, “Is everything alright?”

“Yes,” Taavos lied, moving to turn away from the old tech that had triggered his memory. “I just need-“ His knees trembled and gave out underneath of him.

Before he could hit the ground, Maruul caught him, his hands under Taavos’s arms. “Yalaon!” his brother yelped. He tried to stand and when he couldn’t, Maruul’s panicked voice continued, “What is happening?”

He shook his head, gritting his teeth against the nausea and fatigue, “I’m fine, I’m fine. Just…- I need to sit.”

Maruul dragged him over to a nearby chair and carefully set him down. He winced when his younger brother noticed his shaking and grabbed his hands, wide-eyed and distraught. “Taavos, what is going on?” Maruul murmured.

He sighed, “I’ll be alright, olaon. I just got dizzy, is all.”

Stars damn his mind.

His brother clenched his jaw before he whispered fearfully, “Are… are you sick?”

“No,” Taavos snapped and his brother flinched. He grimaced, knowing his youngest sibling was not deserving of his anger. There was a pause before he pulled his hands away from Maruul and ran them over his face, exhaling long and low as he murmured an apology. Taavos shook his head. “I don’t know.”

Maruul was silent for a moment. “Is this… is this what happened the other night? When you and father-“

He nodded his head, allowing himself to just be truthful with his brother. “Yes. It’s always sudden. I do not know what will set it off.” Taavos took several deep breaths and closed his eyes. He thought after all this time, and perhaps being at home, would help keep the memories and nightmares at bay. If anything, they were getting worse.

“How often does this happen?”

Taavos thought about it. He suffered with… whatever ‘this’ was almost constantly now. He hadn’t realized how afraid of his own mind he was until he was in public around strangers. Somewhere that he couldn’t hide away and catch his breath. This wasn’t like being in Mithrava. The sages had dealt with people like him their whole life, and although his case was much more serious than most, they still at least knew how to deal with his memories. Being on Aya, being a civilian, being _weak_ in front of other people… it was terrifying.

“Almost every day,” Taavos replied, his voice so quiet that it was nearly a whisper.

Maruul’s breath hitched and Taavos looked to see tears welling up in his younger brother’s eyes. “Oh, Taavos,” he choked, pulling him into a hug. His heart clenched and he did his best to take comfort in the embrace. He could feel the fear against his sibling’s skin and it… hurt. “It’s because of what happened on Havarl isn’t it? The reason you had to stay with the sages?”

He sighed. “Yes,” he replied, pulling back to look at his brother, “I will be okay though.” The words felt hollow.

Maruul swallowed, his eyes still fearful. “I worry for you. Whatever happened the other night… Stars, Taavos we didn’t know what was going on-“

“-Please, Maruul,” Taavos interrupted, afraid someone would eventually walk by or overhear them, and if he were being honest with himself, he was exhausted and dreaded voicing the truth. “Can we… talk about this later?”

Maruul blinked, seeming to feel the discomfort coming off of Taavos, and nodded slowly. His brother huffed a breath as Taavos reached up to wipe the tears from his olaon’s cheeks and answered, “Okay. We will talk about it later.”

“Thank you,” he breathed as he dropped his hands, his shoulders slumping in relief.

Maruul stood, looking as if he was collecting himself and pointed a finger at him, “We _will_ be talking about it, though.”

Taavos managed a small smile. “You sound like Ahja,” he said.

His brother returned the faint grin, offering his hand to help Taavos stand. “She says you’re stubborn.”

“Me?”

“She also says you like to argue,” Maruul added, holding tight as Taavos lifted himself slowly from the chair, finding himself on steadier legs. The nausea had passed at least.

“I do not,” he replied.

Maruul’s smile grew, “I think she just proved herself right and she wasn’t even here.”

Taavos shook his head and the corners of his mouth tugged at that. He placed his hand against his brother’s shoulder, pushing as much reassurance and gratitude as he could through his skin. It wasn’t much but it was all he had. “Thank you, Maruul,” he murmured, “I’m not happy that you’ve had to see me like this but… I appreciate what you and the others have done for me. It is… more than I could have hoped for. I promise that in time, I will tell you everything that happened to me, I just-…” His voice trailed off, and he hoped that Maruul would understand.

His brother’s smile was sad, and he nodded, squeezing Taavos’s hand with his own, “We are _family_ , yalaon. Nothing will ever change that. It is what we are here for.”

“Thank you,” Taavos repeated, feeling some small peace at that. It was more that he deserved, but it made him feel no less grateful.

His energy had finally calmed down, his limbs no longer shaking from his memories, and he took stock of his surroundings. The museum was quiet today, and not many people were in and out. It seemed like no one had seen his breakdown, but he couldn’t be completely sure of that. He could only hope that Maruul had been the only one.

His brow furrowed at that and he glanced at his brother again, “Olaon, what are you doing here?”

Maruul huffed at that, seeming agitated about something. “I had the day off of work. My plan was to relax but bosen _insisted_ that he and I come get you for lunch. He… could not be persuaded otherwise.” He watched Taavos’s expression turn tight and he sighed, “I can tell him that you’re not feeling well or that-“

“-No,” he interrupted, rubbing his hands against his eyes anxiously. “I don’t really want him to know how often this happens and… there’s no point in saying no, he will just find a different way to see me.” Maruul hummed his agreement and Taavos glanced at him, “Did he still seem…”

There was a long pause before Maruul finished, “Angry?” Taavos nodded and his brother frowned. “No,” he started, seeming confused about his own answer, “he seemed… determined, perhaps? You know how strong-willed he can be.”

He sighed and rolled his shoulders, trying to keep them from being tense. “Yes, that I do know,” he said.

Maruul seemed to feel his hesitation and placed a hand on his shoulder, “You do not have to do this. We can try another day.”

Taavos shook his head, trying for a small smile, though it felt like a grimace. “Better to just get it over with now,” he replied.

They began making their way towards the exit and Maruul said softly, “If it’s any consolation, I think it will go better this time.”

“Optimistic as always,” Taavos huffed, managing a genuine smile this time.

Maruul returned it and replied, “Someone has to be.”

Taavos kept pace with Maruul. His brother led the way, weaving in and out of the throngs of people milling about. It was a lovely day. The temperature was perfect, and there was a soft breeze blowing through the city. Despite the warm energy of Aya, he still felt uneasy.

“It will be just the three of us then?” he wondered, his brow furrowing.

Maruul glanced at him, “Why do you ask?”

“He is not having Ahja join us to mediate?” he replied, hearing the sarcasm in his voice.

His brother seemed as confused as him. “No,” he said, “he actually… requested she not be there.”

“Surely you jest,” Taavos deadpanned. Maruul held up his hands, as if he didn’t understand it either. “Did he say why?”

Maruul sighed, stopping for a moment. “Of course not, but…”

“But what?”

“Honestly, Taavos? I think it’s because he’s hoping to figure things out with you on his own. Ahja… you know how she can be. I think… he doesn’t want this to be a negotiation. Does that make sense?”

“No,” Taavos replied. “He has never wanted to ‘figure things out’ with me.”

Maruul huffed, “Yes, and you’ve always been so willing to work with him, right?” His younger brother raised a brow bone, as if daring him to challenge the question.

He didn’t.

“I am just saying Taavos, it’s been a long time. Things are different now. In some ways, he can be the same person he’s always been but after everyone we’ve lost… he’s different now,” Maruul pushed. “And for that matter, so are you. Just give it a chance. I believe that’s what he’s doing.”

Taavos breathed deep at that. This was the second time one of his siblings had told him his father had wanted to work on things with him. Though it was just speculation on their parts, Maruul and Ahja both were intelligent and honest. If they truly thought their bosen wanted a not so… _antagonistic_ relationship with him, he had to give their assumption some merit.

Maruul led him towards the market, stopping only to grab some fruit from one of the vendors as Taavos was lost to his thoughts. They strolled through the crowds of angara and aliens, and Taavos kept some distance between himself and the other people around him. They made their way to a table at the far end of one of the railings overlooking the lava fields. His father sat there, his back to them. Maruul grabbed his shoulder and gave it a reassuring squeeze before he moved on, approaching his father and leaning down to say something to him, too low for Taavos to hear. Their bosen turned then, and Taavos caught his intense gaze.

Abbas al Jabbar had always been a commanding man, both physically and emotionally. It was how he had kept all of his children in order, and how he had become one of the most influential members of the Resistance. He was powerful, imposing, fierce. Those were all words Taavos would use to describe his father. ‘Soft’ was not a term he would associate with him, but when Abbas al Jabbar turned to look at his son then, really truly look at him, Taavos saw his rigid father yield to his emotions.

“Father.” He clasped his shaking hands behind his back.

“Taavos,” his father rumbled. He didn’t smile or relax exactly, but something in his bioelectrics opened up. “I did not think you would come.”

Still blunt as ever.

Taavos gave a short nod, “Maruul said you insisted.”

“Indeed,” he replied. There was a short awkward silence as his father stared at him before he continued. “Come. Sit.”

He did as he was told, taking the chair next to his brother as his father pushed himself towards the table. Maruul produced the fruits he’s just bought from a bag and they each took one. The quiet was… unnerving and uncomfortable. But Maruul was not like Ahja or Jela. Maruul did not get between two people arguing. His youngest brother was content to let them sit in silence and figure it out themselves, instead of prompting conversation or asking questions. Taavos also figured he was vaguely annoyed about having to do this on his day off.

One look at the bemused smirk on Maruul’s face confirmed his suspicions.

“You are working at the museum then?” his father asked, his intense gaze catching his.

Taavos blinked. He wasn’t quite sure what he’d been expecting. He had thought maybe his father would be upset or would ask about his abrupt departure from the other night or perhaps even yell at him again. Any of those things would have been expected. So the small talk was nearly startling.

He swallowed his food and nodded. “Yes.”

“Good. It is an important place.”

There was another awkward silence and Taavos sighed. Small talk it was, then. “Are… you still working with the Resistance?”

His father frowned and looked as though he wanted to argue with someone about it. “No,” he said, “Not since the end of the war. The aliens call it ‘retirement’.”

Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw Maruul shake his head amusedly but his brother stayed quiet. Taavos was unsure what to say, so he said nothing, surprised at his father’s words. Taavos thought his bosen would work himself to death, but now… he didn’t work at all? And he knew aliens? At least enough for them to tell him their word for being jobless?

The rest of their lunch passed in relative silence, and not a single important question was asked. He was only to aware of the thin line that they were treading as they spoke, even as they spoke of nothing. Eventually, his father said he’d ‘kept him long enough’ and bid him a farewell. Maruul gave him a soft smile and stood to leave with him.

“We’ll talk later,” he murmured, giving Taavos’s shoulder a squeeze before moving to push their father towards home.

He wouldn’t have called the lunch good, or a success. It hadn’t been eye opening or incredibly helpful. But it had been… a step. He was hoping it a step forwards, and not backwards, but a single step in any direction was better than nothing at all.

He hoped it was a step towards peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to think Taavos has visions from the gauntlet like how Shepard had visions from the Prothean Beacons. Jarring images, hard to understand. That's how I imagined it anyways.
> 
> Sorry there was no Arley in this chapter, I hope you still enjoyed it! We get to see some really good stuff between the two of them in the next few chapters though which I'm very excited about. As always, I'm so appreciative of you guys, thank you so much for reading.


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